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Season 3 E 2 • 12/07/2011

On a gay cruise, Victoria and Joy continue the charade that they are married, while Melanie runs into her sister and her girlfriend.

Watching

After an emergency landing in Cleveland, sophisticated L.A. ladies Melanie, Joy and Victoria decide to stay, then rent a house from the elderly caretaker Elka.

Melanie coaches Elka in how to ask a guy out, Victoria makes repeat trips to a bulk warehouse store, and Joy thinks the younger man she's dating may be her son.

The Sex That Got Away

The women crash a Rock & Roll Hall of Fame party, where Melanie awkwardly meets her idol, and Victoria seeks revenge on her former bad boy flame Johnny Revere.

Victoria is offered a Japanese commercial for an embarrassing product, and Melanie worries that local columnist Rick will write an unflattering piece about her.

Victoria's lady-loving thespian father and Melanie's worrywart mother both visit the house, and Elka becomes buddies with Joy's critical mother via video chat.

It's Not That Complicated

While Victoria and Joy try to dissuade Melanie from getting back together with her ex-husband, Elka is caught in a love triangle between Max and Nick.

Joy feels abandoned by Melanie, who is focusing on her new boyfriend Pete, and a theatrical teenager asks Victoria to advise his high school production of Shakespeare.

Good Luck Faking the Goiter

Victoria fakes having a disfiguring illness to improve her chances of winning a Daytime Emmy, and Melanie tries to reconnect with her college-age son Will.

During a dangerous storm, Victoria is unable to fly to the Daytime Emmys, Joy is contacted by the son she put up for adoption, and Melanie blurts out a confession to Pete.

Elka has a familiar jail cellmate, Victoria's assets are frozen, Joy desperately needs Rick's help, and Melanie is irate with Pete for busting her friends.

As Joy and Rick feign being a genuinely engaged couple, Melanie meets Pete's judgmental mother and is stunned when she finds out who Pete's brother is.

With her trial for possessing stolen goods approaching, Elka is advised by her handsome lawyer Kirk to act senile, as Melanie, Victoria, and Joy compete for his affection.

Sisterhood of the Traveling SPANX

A psychic gives Joy a pair of magical Spanx , which brings the women bad luck, including a movie audition in which Victoria is mortified to read as Melanie Griffith's mother.

In L.A., Victoria plans revenge on her nemesis Susan Lucci, Joy confronts Michael Knight, Melanie gets sentimental, and Elka talks her way onto Jimmy Kimmel's show.

Still in L.A., Victoria feuds with Susan Lucci, Joy traps Michael Knight in his lie, Elka is determined to meet Robert Redford, and Melanie emotionally parts with her house.

Dog Tricks, Sex Flicks & Joy's Fix

Elka brings home a rescue dog, Joy starts dating a man she met in her therapist's waiting room, and Victoria's agent recommends she make a sex tape to jumpstart her career.

Trying again for her green card, Joy gets engaged to a homeless man, Victoria lands a local news correspondent job, and Melanie dates a Cavaliers coach.

Victoria tries to win over the difficult kids of a man she likes, Elka is resistant to wintering in Florida with Max, and Melanie and Joy volunteer at a senior center.

As Victoria interviews the governor's candidly opportunistic wife, Elka goes on trial and attempts to sway the verdict by flirting with an elderly juror.

After Elka flees to escape her sentencing, the women find her in Amish country, where they meet Yoder, and Victoria embraces the simple life.

The son that Joy gave up for adoption stops by for a surprise visit.

Unseparated at Birthdates

After getting each other dates for another shared fake birthday, the women's night involves a Jesus look-alike, Siamese twins, an impressionist and an astute waiter.

While rehearsing for a battle of the bands, Rick poaches away talented lead singer Joy, leaving Melanie, Victoria and Elka no choice but to use autotune microphones.

Joy learns from a fertility clinic director that Rick is their most sought-after donor, and Victoria method-acts as an old woman to land a prestigious stage role.

Looking for "GBFFs" like they had in L.A., the women go to a gay bar, where Victoria is mistaken for a drag queen, and Elka punches out her former best friend.

Victoria tries to convince her daughter Emmy not to release a tell-all book, while Melanie and Joy are screened by a kid to be his father's new wife.

Targeted by a handsome news anchor's pranks, Victoria asks Joy to help her even the score, while Melanie gives a guy another chance and finds out he's a foot worshipper.

Go behind the scenes with this collection of bloopers and interviews with Hot in Cleveland stars Wendie Malick, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves, and Betty White.

Emulating "Sex and the City," Melanie writes her column in her best Carrie Bradshaw voice, Victoria gets a booty call from Johnny Revere, and Elka gets engaged.

After finding a smooth minister to marry her to Fred, Elka becomes a high-maintenance bride, and Victoria tests a perspiration absorbing jumpsuit.

On the day of Elka and Fred's wedding, Melanie, Victoria and Joy wake up surrounded by passed-out frat boys, then piece together what happened the night before.

After her presumed-dead husband comes back into her life, Elka runs away with him, as Victoria exploits her bogus same-sex marriage to Joy for publicity.

On a gay cruise, Victoria and Joy continue the charade that they are married, while Melanie runs into her sister and her girlfriend.

When the dry cleaners lose Melanie’s favorite dress, Elka takes them funeral crashing to track it down. Guest Stars: John Mahoney

Melanie, Victoria and Joy put their Midwestern neighbors on an L.A. weight-loss regimen, while Elka lies about her age to keep up with spontaneous thrill-seeker Roy.

One Thing Or A Mother

Victoria dates a hand model, Roy's mother dislikes Elka, Joy can't figure out the age of the guy she's seeing, and Melanie's boyfriend resembles Winnie-the-Pooh.

How Did You Guys Meet, Anyway?

Waiting to use the women's restroom at a Browns game, Melanie, Victoria and Joy recount to Elka how they all originally met on a Beverly Hill's hotel rooftop in the 80s.

Two Girls and a Rhino

Elka and Joy spend three days in a zoo habitat to save a rhino species on the edge of extinction, and Melanie and Victoria date two men with vastly different occupations.

Melanie dates the Browns' dim-witted kicker, Victoria emerges from a near-death experience believing Elka is God, and Joy struggles to give up her vices.

Victoria's daughter Emmy and Melanie's son Will break the news that they're engaged to each other, and Joy dates a 22-year-old who literally can't see her actual age.

When "All My Children" is cancelled, Susan Lucci shows up at the house hoping that Victoria will be sympathetic, only for Victoria to be suspicious of her true intentions.

To make Johnny jealous, Victoria throws herself at his alcoholic ex-bandmate, while Melanie makes out with a man whom she thinks is the lead singer of the band Bread.

As Victoria reunites with her first ex-husband, Melanie goes after her high school crush, Joy tries to meet up with her ex-fiancee Kyle, and Elka gets back together with Max.

At Max's lake house, Melanie finds out the new man in her life is actually Joy's ex-fiance Kyle, and a spider with paralyzing effects runs rampant.

Joy's former beau Colin and Victoria both go undercover in fat suits to vie for a local news award, and Melanie accidentally finds herself in a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting.

To get into an exclusive country club, the women attend a charity event, where Elka plots revenge on a high-ranking member who fired her there in 1947.

Everything Goes Better with Vampires

The women get stuck in the house with their lazy maid, Elka's friend Mamie Sue, a Rick Springfield doppelganger and an obnoxious intellectual.

Claus, Tails & High-Pitched Males: Birthdates 3

The ladies celebrate their annual "birthdates".

Joy starts a whirlwind romance with George, a man short on time but big on life.

Bye George, I Think He's Got It!

Elka sees her twin sister for the first time in forty years, and Joy agrees to marry George, knowing she won't have to tolerate his idiosyncrasies for long.

Melanie, Victoria and Joy are desperate to get their friend back together with a doctor to continue getting their Botox treatments.

After their selfish behavior creates a rift between hairdressers Christopher and Pierre, the women have had enough of living with each other.

Victoria hopes an unearthed Lincoln letter will distract from her Mrs. Ladypants commercial airing in the U.S., while Joy exaggerates her breast size over CB radio.

What's Behind the Door?

Victoria gets her soap opera creator and costar onboard to resurrect the show as an app, with blatant product placements.

After their selfish behavior creates a rift between hairdressers Christopher and Pierre, the women have had enough of living with each other.

That Changes Everything

Joy finds out she's a grandmother, Elka gets the upper hand with Pierre, Victoria lands a prime film role, and Melanie is hired by PR firm co-owner Chloe.

A Midwinter Night's Sex Comedy

Chloe has Melanie spy on Alec, Victoria is resistant to gaining weight for her Woody Allen film role, and Joy is inspired by her infant grandson Wilbur to go back to college.

Melanie pretends to be dating respected actor Emmet Lawson to make Alec jealous, while Joy's attempt to fit in at college is mocked by Elka and her millennial study group.

Elka and Mamie Sue trick Joy into doing an ad for their senior dating service, Melanie obsessively texts an unresponsive Alec, and Victoria has a fake affair with Emmet.

A Box Full of Puppies

In a vet's office, Victoria fights with her daughter Oscar, Joy meets a hot firefighter named Sean, and Mamie Sue reconnects with her old classmate Tommy.

Cleveland Fantasy Con

Melanie's embroiled in an office love triangle. Joy learns a tidbit about Sean that threatens her fireman fantasy. Victoria's insecurity leads her to extremes. Guest Stars: Heather Locklear, Eddie Cibrian, Georgia Engel

While in church for Wilbur's christening, a reverend mediates Joy's friction with her mother, as well as Melanie's deception of Victoria with phony weight-loss candy.

Melanie seeks perfection but ends up "fake-porning" her first time with Alec. Joy meets a forbidden love interest on Victoria and Emmet's movie set. Elka and Mamie are bad influences on the baby. Guest star: Georgia Engel

Victoria wants Emmet to finalize his divorce from his ex, Joy takes the virginity of a young doctor, and Melanie and Elka comfort their distraught mailman.

When Melanie has Alec set up Joy with his friend Bill, embarrassing secrets about each other are spilled, and Elka empowers herself to be Victoria's representation.

On the women's juice-fast retreat, starving Melanie hallucinates, Elka has a tiff with Mamie Sue, and aspiring private eye Joy thinks their yogi is a murderer.

Victoria fears Emmet will leave her when their movie wraps, Melanie tests her status with Alec, and Joy interns with a private investigator conducting surveillance on Elka.

When Elka and Mamie's illegal business activities put them all in danger, the ladies step in to save the day and end up getting help from a local mobster and his mother. Guest Stars: Georgia Engel, Shirley Jones, William Shatner

Victoria travels with the women to her hometown, where her sister Bess asks her to help care for their hand-puppet-loving mother Penny.

Taking Alec's recommendation to go simple in proposing to Victoria, Emmet enlists Joy and Melanie to hide the ring in a chocolate mousse, which then goes missing.

To get her mind off the jailed Emmet, Melanie has Victoria go on national TV as a kidney donation spokesperson, while Joy's PI boss Bob has a bromance with Sean.

As Wilbur hits his first birthday, Alec and Melanie take turns envisioning what it would be like to have kids together, but realize they're not on the same page.

To get Emmet out of jail, Victoria hires a fixer who wants to date Melanie as his payment, while Joy and Elka work on their projects for a film studies class.

Kirstie Alley visits the Hot in Cleveland set, where the cast brings her up to speed on the series thus far, and presents a collection of highlights and bloopers.

Desperate to have Wilbur seen by an in-demand pediatrician, Joy creates a tangled mess of lies.

A man Melanie intended to break up with dies, Joy dodges calls from her mother, Victoria tries an ab-toning belt, and Elka and Mamie Sue write roast jokes for a centenarian.

Victoria contacts all her exes to find out what she could have done differently, unexpectedly seeing in-person Julian, the one who broke her heart.

The women's group birthday includes a professor as well as a reunion of Elka and Mamie Sue's bowling team.

The Man That Got Away

At Victoria's bare-bones wedding to Emmet in prison, the officiating tabloid photographer turns out to be Simon, the man who got Joy pregnant as a teenager.

After Alex Trebek introduces the episode, the women are held hostage by Chester, Lily and a Mrs. Ladypants-loving plastic surgeon.

Following Emmet's escape from prison, Victoria is under close watch by an FBI agent, and Alec's new girlfriend questions Melanie's pregnancy.

As Joy, Owen and Simon lie about their family history to get Wilbur admitted into a prestigious preschool, Elka helps Melanie find a doctor to treat her brain tumor.

Discovering that Emmet faked his own death, Victoria decides to follow suit to be with him, as Simon rethinks his career, and Melanie dates a guy who doesn't spoon correctly.

On the eve of Victoria's big movie premiere, Emmy visits with some surprising news while Elka announces she's taken a younger lover. Guest Stars: Dave Foley, Jennifer Love Hewitt

Rusty Banks Rides Again

Determined to secure Oscar nomination votes, Victoria has the women target a former heartthrob, a young actress and an old-time Western star.

The One With George Clooney

When the women try to adopt a puppy, the Rescue Center's volunteer, Doug, determines if they are dog-worthy. Elka's relationships with Mamie and Roy take an interesting turn. Guest Stars: Georgia Engel, John Mahoney

Melanie capitalizes on her brain tumor to meet a singer, Joy sleeps with a tell-all DJ, and Victoria has an online romance that isn't what it seems.

When their dog George acts depressed, the women bring in an animal-communicating radio host, who advises them to remove the negativity in their household.

Bucket: We're Going to New York

In New York, the women stay with Victoria's acting school roommate, Melanie lives in the moment, Joy wants to be a Rockette, and Elka hawks her polish.

Joy falls for Bob while working undercover with him, Melanie hosts a 24-hour marathon of her radio show, and Elka decides to run against Councilman Powell.

I Just Met the Man I'm Going to Marry

Joy is jealous that her new boss Mitch has eyes for Melanie, Elka strategizes with her campaign manager, and Victoria awaits her possible Oscar nomination.

People Feeding People

Victoria, Joy and Elka each have their own reasons in imploring Melanie to date a billionaire newspaper publisher, who confides in her a disturbing secret.

During a thunderstorm, Victoria is stuck with a beach bum, Melanie is irritated by her friend, Joy objects to her mother's fiance, and Elka fears a ghost.

When Elka produces a play about the women, Melanie, Joy and Victoria are livid over how they're portrayed, then meet with their actor counterparts to set them straight.

A dating consultant sabotages Mitch's chances with Joy, Victoria spends time with down-to-earth filmmaker J.J., and Elka has a campaign fundraiser.

Straight Outta Cleveland

Joy and Mitch preemptively see a couples' therapist, and Victoria's son Tony doesn't know how to come out of the closet to her as straight.

Realizing they've never been in Elka's house, Melanie, Joy and Victoria enter it, then find it's a portal to an animated universe and are granted three wishes by Steven Tyler.

As Victoria and J.J. figure out when to sleep together for the first time, Joy moderates a debate between Elka and Councilman Powell, which turns into a vodka shot contest.

Melanie is paired with offensively macho radio cohost Frankie, Joy and Elka fail their final exams, and J.J.'s children find Victoria reminiscent of their late mother.

Mystery Date: Oscar Edition

With the Academy Awards three weeks away, Victoria asks Elka to draft her Oscar acceptance speech, and Melanie and Joy fiercely compete to be Victoria's plus one.

Tensions are high in Cleveland: Victoria is up for an Academy Award, Elka is up for City Council election, and Melanie gets a visit from her mother (Debra Monk). guest stars: Georgie Engel, Debra Monk

Simon returns and covertly tries to win Joy back, Victoria looks forward to receiving her Oscar statue, and Councilwoman Elka takes on a Godfather persona.

On their shared birthday, Joy receives three proposals, Victoria's date has two noses, Melanie's has a sex surrogate, and Elka's is very surprising.

Joy decides whether to marry Mitch, Simon, or Bob. Victoria’s new CGI movie proves challenging in ways she didn’t expect. Elka tries to bring film jobs to Cleveland.

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

A trip to L.A. reaffirms Melanie, Joy and Victoria's experience that it is a shallow, youth-obsessed city, and Elka pitches Mario Lopez on shooting "Extra" in Cleveland.

Elka goes after a silver fox, Melanie gets trapped in her closet with Frankie, and Victoria ditches Joy as her lifestyle website sidekick.

Melanie thinks their neighbor Jack saw her naked, Joy joins a casual sex app, Victoria doesn't understand the plot of her own series, and Elka needs a council member's vote.

To do research on detectives for her HBO show, Victoria tags along with Joy and Bob on a stakeout, and Elka reluctantly partners with Melanie for a secret word tournament.

Melanie and Jack try to spice up their relationship. Victoria becomes the spokesperson for a new vodka brand. Joy’s new hairstyle backfires when she meets Owen’s office crush. Elka and Mayor Deacon have a scandalous affair.

Cold In Cleveland: The Christmas Episode

Victoria asks her ex Ernie Hudson not to allow their 70s Christmas movie to re-air, Melanie goes all out with holiday lights, and Joy spars with an older British woman.

The Young and the Restless

Joy tries to talk Melanie's daughter into going to Harvard Medical School, Victoria is blackmailed by her show's editor Barney, and Elka mentors a nerdy kid.

To get a part on her HBO show, Victoria's father lies to her and says he's dying, and Melanie takes Frankie's advice in how to break up with clingy Jack.

Joy's frumpy sister Jill becomes a knockout, Victoria and Melanie collaborate on a children's book with a tight deadline, and Elka welcomes an earl and his dignitaries.

Joy realizes she's in love with Bob, Victoria tries to keep up with the much younger Barney, and Melanie is visited by her childhood bully.

One Wedding and One Funeral

While Victoria hopes to get photographed by a paparazzi drone, the mayor dies in Elka's bed, and Joy and Bob's brother Claude rush to stop Bob from marrying Canadian Joy.

New couple Bob and Joy's investigation of the dead mayor involves an astrologist, a focus group member and a journalist.

After receiving their DNA test results, Victoria exploits her Native American heritage, Melanie is attracted to her cousin, and Joy and Elka are shocked that they're related.

Bob sends Joy a creepy doll replica of himself, Victoria's agent advises her to do local theater, and Melanie accidentally gives Dane estrogen patches.

Melanie wants to put a stop to Dane passionately kissing Victoria in a play, bet-losing Elka is forced to wear a Bengal costume, and Joy tests Bob's honesty.

Owen's wedding includes Melanie getting an inappropriate cake, a surprise visit by Simon, the bride's father knowing Victoria's secret and a patient reverend.

Cleveland Calendar Girls

Elka and her friends pose nude for a calendar, Joy and Bob have difficulty taking their engagement portrait, and Victoria tries to replace her driver's license photo.

On the women's restaurant's opening night, Melanie deals with an unstable chef, Victoria leads on a sommelier, Joy hopes to impress a baby mama, and Elka flirts with the pope.

Investing in her theater production, Victoria's son Tony asks to be in it, as Elka competes with Victoria's mother for a role, and Melanie and Joy have posterior insecurity.

A month away from Joy's wedding, Melanie and Victoria conceal how much they'll miss her, while Joy's mother is infatuated with Bob, and Elka breaks up with Victoria's father.

Vegas Baby/I Hate Goodbyes

The gang travels to Las Vegas when Joy and Bob find out there’s a baby available for adoption. Elka helps Bob’s dad pick up women. Victoria reconnects with a long-lost love. Melanie ends up in jail. Then, Joy and Bob continue their adventure to pick up a baby available for adoption in Las Vegas. Victoria and Johnny Revere reflect on their past. Elka helps Bob’s dad find the perfect woman. Melanie works on her wedding toast.

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