Alternately referred to as Eustace or Charlton, and supposedly married (although Mrs. Haney never makes an appearance in all 170 episodes of the series), Mr. Haney is the sweaty, conniving, opportunistic embodiment of capitalism in bucolic Hooterville. Cracked of voice and ethics, Haney never misses an opportunity to make a buck or exploit a relationship. A true huckster, he always has a trick up his sleeve or some snake oil to sell you. Some of his more notorious wares include: The Haney Egg-Layin' Inducing Machine; a college "diplomer" which bestows upon the holder a Ph.D from Stankwell Falls University; and a "gen-u-wine Cooper Cow-Coaxer" milking machine, which is "guaranteed to persuade milk out of the most bashful cow."