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Doug Out

Arthur overhears Doug calling him a degrading name and later he walks in on Carrie doing an impression of him. To make up for it, Doug brings Arthur to a Mets game. While trying to please Arther, Doug and Carrie wind up in jail.

♪ MY EYES ARE GETTIN'WEARY ♪

♪ MY BACK IS GETTIN'TIGHT ♪

♪ I'M SITTIN' HEREIN TRAFFIC ♪

♪ ON THE QUEENSBOROUGHBRIDGE TONIGHT ♪

♪ BUT I DON'T CARECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO... ♪

♪ IS CASH MY CHECK AND DRIVE RIGHT HOME TO YOU ♪

♪ CAUSE BABY ALL MY LIFEI WILL BE DRIVIN' HOME TO YOU ♪

WHAT'S WITH THAT SHIRT?

THIS?

IT'S VELOUR.

IT'S NICE.

MY MOTHER'S GOT A TOILETSEAT COVER LIKE THAT.

WHAT'S UP, BOYS?

SLIDE IT ON OVER.

DO ME A FAVOR--MAKE A LITTLE ROOM

FOR THE I.P.S. DRIVEROF THE MONTH.

OH, NICE WORK, MAN.

NUMBER ONE ON-TIME RECORD,NUMBER ONE DELIVERY RECORD,

AND THE FEWESTLOST PACKAGES.

DRIVER...

OF THE MONTH.

I PUT A FIRE OUTAT A NURSERY SCHOOL.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

LISTEN, COULDWE GET A PITCHEROF BEER OVER HERE?

ANYTHING YOU WANT TONIGHT,BOYS. I'M BUYIN'.

SO WHAT DO YOUGET FOR THIS,

A TROPHY WITHA LITTLE TRUCK ON TOP?

HEY, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

THEY GAVE MY MAN 4 METSTICKETS IN THE I.P.S. BOX

FOR THIS SATURDAY...FRONT ROW.

4 SEATS, 4 OF US,WE'RE THERE!

HEY, LET'SGET THERE EARLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?WE SHOULD SLEEPAT DOUG'S.

ACTUALLY, CARRIE'SALREADY CALLED DIBSON ONE OF THE TICKETS.

AND I KNOW I GET ONE.

WHY DO YOU GET ONE?

'CAUSE I PUNCHED HIM IN6 TIMES WHEN HE WAS LATE,

HENCE HIS PERFECTON-TIME RECORD.

WELL, WHOGETS THE FOURTH TICKET?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESSYOU GUYS GOTTA DECIDEAMONG YOURSELVES.

HERE YOU GO.

DOUG, YOUR WIFE'SON THE PHONE.

OH, THANKS.

HOW DO WE DECIDE WHOGETS THE EXTRA TICKET?

I DON'T KNOW.DEAC, WHAT DO YOUTHINK IS FAIR?

DON'T CARE.

I ALREADY GOT MY TICKET.

HEY, WE COULDMEASURE SOMETHIN'.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE LENGTHOF SOMETHIN'.

ALL RIGHT.

OR MAYBETHERE'S ANOTHER WAY.

WHAT'S UP?

CARRIE'S GONNA BEAT HER OFFICE LATE.

I GOTTA GO PICK UP ARTHURFROM WORK.

BASICALLY WHAT I'M SAYIN'IS PAY FOR YOUR OWN FOOD.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'REGONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

YEP.

YOU HUNGRY?

YEAH. YOU GOT SOME FOOD?

NO. JUSTMAKIN' CONVERSATION.

AW, MAN.THIS TRAFFIC IS BRUTAL.

WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,IT GIVES US A CHANCETO TALK.

HEY, HAVE YOUEVER HEARD THE STORYABOUT MY FOOT SURGERY?

UH...

YES?

IT DIDN'T TAKE PLACEIN A HOSPITAL PROPER,

BUT I'M GETTIN' AHEADOF MYSELF.

LET ME FIRST TELL YAABOUT THE ACCIDENT.

SO IF I DIDN'T SELL AT LEAST200 CANNED HAMS A WEEK,

I DIDN'T SEE A DIME!

AND THAT LITTLE BABYGREW UP TO BEMISS ROSEMARY CLOONEY.

DOUGLAS, LET ME TELL YOUHOW THE VIETNAM WARCOULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED

WITH A SIMPLE PHONE CALL.

IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES,DOUGLAS.

YOU CAN SLEEP IN ITAT NIGHT

AND EAT ITIN THE MORNING.

AND I GUESS THE LESSONI LEARNED FROM THAT WAS,

FARM EQUIPMENTIS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

WELL, HERE WE ARE,HOME AGAIN.

HOME AGAIN.

IT ONLY TOOKAN HOUR AND A HALF.

YES, BUT IN A WAY,IT WAS A BLESSINGIN DISGUISE.

WE HAD SOME WONDERFULBONDING TIME.

YOU'RE A GOOD EGG,DOUGLAS.

OH, AND I WILLGET YOU THAT LITERATUREI PROMISED YOU.

GREAT. I LOOK FORWARDTO IT.

[DOOR CLOSES]

OH, MY GOD!

HEY, I'M HOME.

HEY!

WHAT ARE YOUWATCHIN'?

LETTERMAN, TOP 10.

HUH?

TOP 10 LIST.

WHAT IS IT TONIGHT?

TOP 10 SIGN...

TOP 10 WHAT?

HOLD ON! CARRIE,I'M LISTENING!

JUST TELL ME THE TOPIC!

CARRIE, COULD YOU--AH! I MISSED IT!

SORRY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THANKS FOR PICKIN' UPDAD FROM WORK TONIGHT!DID IT GO OK?

OK? HA HA!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.I LOVE YOUR DAD,

BUT BEIN' TRAPPED IN THE CARWITH HIM FOR 2 HOURS--NOT EVEN CLOSE TO OK.

I MEAN, HE JUST KEPTGOIN' ON AND ON

ABOUT EVERY LITTLESTUPID THING.

AND I'LL TELL YAANOTHER THING--

I'D REALLY LIKE TOSET UP A MEETING

BETWEEN YOUR FATHERAND A TIC-TAC.

HOT ZIGGETY!

WHOO!

GOD, IT WAS BRUTAL.

IT WAS LIKE BEIN' TRAPPEDIN THE CAR WITH A DEMENTEDOLD CIRCUS MONKEY.

ANYWAY, WHY ARE YOU LATEFROM WORK AGAIN?

IT'S LIKE THE THIRD TIMETHIS WEEK. YOU SHOULDJUST TELL YOUR--

HEY, ARTHUR.

DOUGLAS.

WHERE WERE YOU?

IN THE GARAGE,GETTING A BEER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

CARRIE, MY GOD.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN THERE,AND I STARTED GOIN' OFFABOUT YOUR FATHER,

AND HE CAME UP,AND I DON'T KNOWIF HE HEARD ME.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I THINK I CALLED HIMA DEMENTED OLD CIRCUS MONKEY.

A DEMENTED,OLD CIRCUS MONKEY?

I KNOW IT'S HURTFUL.THAT'S THE POINT.

BUT WHY DID YOU SAY IT?

YOU KNOWHE'S ALWAYS COMING INAND OUT OF DOORS.

HE'S BEEN DOWN THEREFOR 4 HOURS.

I SAW HIM TAKE HIS PILLS.IT LOOKED LIKE ENOUGHTO PUT A RHINO DOWN.

HOW DID HE ACTWHEN YOU WALKED IN?

DID HE ACTLIKE HE HEARD YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.HE JUST SAID, "DOUGLAS."

OH, I JUST WANTED TOCOME HOME AND HAVE A BEERAND RELAX.

JUST FOR A MOMENT,

LET'S ASSUME THATHE DID HEAR "DEMENTEDOLD CIRCUS MONKEY."

HOW BAD DOES THATACTUALLY SOUND?

WELL, ITDOESN'T SOUND GOOD.

WAIT A SECOND NOW."CIRCUS"--FUN FORTHE WHOLE FAMILY, RIGHT?

AND "MONKEY"--I THINK OF THE TRICYCLE,MUG OF BEER.

IT'S VERY CUTE.

WHAT ABOUT DEMENTED?

THAT COULD BITE MEIN THE ASS.

HEY, THERE HE IS--MY MAN ARTIE.

HEY, THE ART MAN.

ART OF THE DEAL.

HELLO, DOUGLAS.

HOW YA DOIN'?

AH-AH-AH-AH!

LOVE THIS GUY.

RAWRR!

UH, YOU KNOW, UH,YESTERDAY, RIGHT AFTERWE GOT CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC,

I WAS A LITTLE, UH,V-V-V-P, LITTLE CRAZY,YOU KNOW?

I WAS JUST SAYIN' STUFF,

BUT I WAS THINKIN'LATER ON

THAT THAT TIME WE SPENTIN THE CAR TOGETHER

WAS KIND OF SPECIAL,YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE YOU WERE JUST SO--YOU WERE...

YOU, YOU KNOW?

I AM ME, YES.

HEY, STANLEY,YOU DEMENTEDOLD CIRCUS MONKEY, YOU!

WHO'S A DEMENTEDOLD CIRCUS MONKEY?

YOU ARE, YES, YOU ARE'CAUSE YOU'RE SO GOOD

AND FUN TO BE AROUND.

YEAH.

HEY, HONEY.HI, DAD.

HEY, CARRIE, YOUDEMENTED OLD CIRCUS MONKEY!

WHAT?

IT'S JUST MY NEW THINGI CALL EVERYONE I LOVE,YOU KNOW?

IT'S MY CATCH PHRASE,STARTIN' YESTERDAY.

I'M OFF TO WORK.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I WANT YOUTO TAKE IT EASY NOW,

YOU DEMENTED OLD CIRCUS MONKEY!

THAT WAS SUBTLE.

I KNOW. I WAS TRYIN'.HE WOULDN'T GIVE MEANYTHING, YOU KNOW?

HE DIDN'T SEEM THAT ANGRY,BUT HE WASN'T ALL THAT NICE,EITHER.

HE WAS JUST KIND OF THERE,LIKE A CAT.

DOUG, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU NEED TO EITHERAPOLOGIZE TO HIM,

OR LET THIS THING GOBECAUSE YOU'RE REALLYSTARTING TO ANNOY ME.

I JUST NEED TO KNOWIF HE HEARD.

OK, I GOT IT.

YOU AND I, WE'REGONNA DO A REENACTMENT.

A REENACTMENT?

YEAH. I'M GONNA BE ME.YOU'RE GONNA BE HIM,

AND I'M GONNA REPEATWHAT I SAID, EXACTLYTHE WAY I SAID IT,

AND THEN WE'LL FIND OUTWHETHER HE HEARD ONCEAND FOR ALL.

OK, WHAT CAN I DOTO MAKE THIS NOT HAPPEN?

WE NEED EVERYTHINGTO BE EXACTLYTHE SAME WAY.

THIS PASS-WAY, THISWAS OPEN RIGHT HERE, OK?

AND THE TV WAS ON.

IT WAS DEFINITELY ON.

OK...

HOW LOUD DID I SAY IT,THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

DEMENTED OLD CIRCUS MONKEY.

IT'D BE LIKE DRIVIN'AROUND WITH A...

[LOUDER]DEMENTED OLD CIRCUS MONKEY!

[SLIGHTLY QUIETER]LIKE A DEMENTEDOLD CIRCUS MONKEY.

YEAH, THAT WAS THE ONE--THE THIRD ONE, RIGHT THERE.

ARE YOU SUREYOU'RE IN THE RIGHT KEY?

NOW, COME ON,YOU'RE ARTHUR,

AND YOU'RE COMIN' UPOUT OF THE BASEMENT.OY!

WOULD YOU JUST WORKWITH ME, PLEASE? OK.

YOU NEED ME TO SAYSOMETHING LIKE, "ACTION,"OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

I CAN HANDLE IT, BUTCH.

ALL RIGHT,DON'T PUSH IT.

THROW IT AWAY.

DOUGLAS!

I'M ARTHUR!

ARTHUR SPOONER,THAT'S ME!

I'VE INVENTED A NEW KINDOF PIE.

HI.

AHEM.

OH, MY GOD.THIS IS NOT MY HAT.

HEY, ARTHUR,WE WERE JUST, UH--

I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOIN'.

I GUESS WHEN I LEAVE YOUDO LITTLE SKITS ABOUT ME,IS THAT IT?

WELL, I DON'T.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE TOO BUSY CALLING MEA DEMENTED OLD CIRCUS MONKEYBEHIND MY BACK!

DAD--NO!

I'M GLADI CAN BE A SOURCE

OF SUCH AMUSEMENTTO YOU TWO.

I'LL BE GOIN' NOW.

AND BY THE WAY,

I DIDN'T INVENTA NEW KIND OF PIE.

IT WAS A CRUMB CAKE!

THANK YOU.

MM-HMM.

THANK YOU.

MM-HMM.

OH, WOW,HE'S REALLY MAD AT US.

THERE IS NO US.

YOU STARTED THIS, AND THENYOU TOOK ME DOWN WITH YOU

WITH THAT BRILLIANTLITTLE REENACTMENT.

IN MY DEFENSE, CARRIE,IT WAS YOUR CHOICETO WEAR THE HAT.

YOU CREATED AN ATMOSPHEREWHERE IT WAS EASYTO GET CARRIED AWAY.

JUST GO OUT THEREAND TRY TO TALK TO HIM,WILL YA?

WHY DON'T YOU?I DID,

AND EVERY TIME I DO,HE JUST COVERS HIS EARSAND SHUTS HIS EYES

AND WALKS AWAY...

USUALLYRIGHT INTO SOMETHING.

I'LL GO.

DAD, WOULD YOUJUST COME INSIDEAND EAT WITH US?

SORRY. I PREFER TO EATOUT HERE WITH THE OTHERDEMENTED CIRCUS MONKEYS.

YOU'RE NOTA CIRCUS MONKEY, DAD.

UNH-UH.

DEMENTED CIRCUS MONKEY.

WILL YOU STOP IT?WE'RE SORRY, OK?

SURE. IT'S EASY TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY AFTER THE INSULT.

WELL, IT'S KIND OF HARDTO DO IT BEFORE THE INSULT.

HEH. HEH HEH HEH!

IF YOU'RE TRYIN' TODISARM ME WITH YOUR WIT,

I RECOMMENDYOU SAVE YOUR TIME.

HEY...

PARTY ARTIE!

[CHUCKLES]

CHEF BOY-ARTIE!

YEAH. WE'RE--WE'RE IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT!

YOU WAITIN THE SHEA PARKING LOT,AND AFTER 4 1/2 INNINGS,

I COME OUT,AND THEN YOU GO IN FORTHE REST OF THE GAME.

HOW'S THAT?

YOU WON'T COME OUT.

THAT'S TRUE.

I APOLOGIZEDTO THE GUY 20 TIMES.

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOUTAKE HIM SOMEWHERE?

WHAT, LIKE...

OUT TO THE WOODS?

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

WE GOT A DISH HEREWITH ABOUTA DOZEN BUTTER BALLS.

YOU EAT 'EM ALLIN UNDER A MINUTE, ANDYOU'RE GOIN' TO SHEA.

I KNOW WHAT YOU COULD DO.

WHAT?

YOU COULD GIVE HIMTHE OTHER METS TICKET.

THIS IS A LOT OF BUTTER,

AND I THINK WE HAVE A DEAL.

NOT THE GAME.HE'LL RUIN IT SOMEHOW.

HE'LL YELLSOMETHING EMBARRASSING,

AND THE FIRST-BASE COACHWILL LOOK AT ME.

LOOK, MAN, YOU HURTTHE GUY'S FEELINGS.

YOU GOTTA DEALWITH THE CONSEQUENCES.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.I GUESS I GOTTA BITETHE BULLET ON THIS ONE.

ALL RIGHT,I'LL BRING 'IM.

THAT'S 12.

I WIN.

I GET THE TICKET! AAH!

EH...AH...

WHAT?

Announcer: NOW BATTING...

NUMBER 61...

GILBERT SHOWMAN.

OK, ARTHUR,GOT YOU A PROGRAM

AND A PENNANT HEREAND A LITTLE BAT.

HA HA HA!IT'S ALSO A PEN.

LOOKIT! I'M A GIANTBASEBALL PLAYER

WITH A VERYNORMAL-SIZED BAT.

WHOA!

[CLICK]

[IMITATINGCROWD CHEERING]

HE LAYS DOWN A BUNT!

OK, IT'S NOT LANDING.

WOULD YOU JUST TAKETHIS STUFF, WILL YA?

THANK YOU, NO.

I ACCEPTED THIS TICKETBECAUSE I LOVE THE METS

AND I ENJOY THE COMPANYOF MR., UH...

PALMER.

PALMER.

YOU TWO I CAN DO WITHOUT.

ALL RIGHT, SO WHATDO YOU WANNA EAT?

YOU WANT A HOT DOG,PEANUTS?

NOTHING, THANK YOU.

WHAT ABOUT ONE OF THOSEICE CREAMS YOU LIKE?

COOL-A-COO? HUH?

YOU LOVE COOL-A-COOS.

IF I GOT YOU A COOL-A-COO,WOULD YOU EAT IT?

I MIGHT EAT IT.

THEN I'M GONNAGET YOU A COOL-A-COO.

AND ONEFOR MY FRIEND, UH...

I'M SORRY, SON.

GIVE IT TO MEONE MORE TIME.

PALMER.

PALMER.

OH, GOD.

THESE SEATS AREPRETTY GREAT, HUH?

SURE YOU DON'TWANT THAT PENNANT?

'CAUSE I THINKIT'S, UH, PRETTY SWEET.

HEH HEH.

I'M SURE.

YAY!

YAY!

YEAH!

YES!

YES! YEAH.

GOD, THIS THINGIS FUN!

HI. I NEED2 COOL-A-COOS, PLEASE.

SORRY. BEER ONLY.

OK, I'LL TAKE A BEERAND 2 COOL-A-COOS.

BEER ONLY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE COOL-A-COOSRIGHT THERE.I CAN SEE 'EM!

BEER ONLY.

LISTEN, I'VE GOTAN OLD MAN OUT THEREWITH VERY HURT FEELINGS,

AND HE'S GOT HIS HEART SETON A FRICKIN' COOL-A-COO.

NOW, I'M GONNA COUNT TO 5,AND IF A COOL-A-COODOES NOT APPEAR IN MY HAND,

I'M GONNA PUT YOU ON A STICK.

YA KNOW?

I MEAN,WHAT'S A MET?

WHAT'S THE DEALWITH THAT?

COME ON.GIVE ME SOMETHING, HUH?

IT'S SHORT FORMETROPOLITAN.

OR PERHAPS IT'S SHORTFOR "HURTFUL SON-IN-LAW."

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!COME ON, YA KNOW?

I SAID I WAS SORRY.I DIDN'T EVEN MEANWHAT I SAID.

I'VE APOLOGIZED.I'VE SHARED FRONT ROWSEATS WITH YA.

I'M OUT.I'M OUT. I'M OUT.

NEVER GOT A FOUL BALL BEFORE.

HEY, BUDDY!

BACK IN YOUR SEAT!

HEY!

[CHEERING]

GO, BIG MAN...

GO.

Announcer: OH,WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS?

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

IS THAT DOUG?

Announcer: SOME MORONIS RUNNING AROUND THE FIELD,RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE.

GO, MOOSE!

AH!

AH..

UNH!

HEY? HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'?

THAT'S MY SON-IN-LAW!

PIAZZA!

DRIVER OF THE MONTH.

THIS IS A LONG WAYTO FALL.

UM, EXCUSE ME, SIR?

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

COULD YOU JUSTLET US GO NOW, PLEASE?

HE WON'T GOON THE FIELD AGAIN,

AND I WON'T SPIT ON ANYMORE CONCESSION PEOPLE.

SORRY. RULES ARE RULES.

OH, COME ON. IT'SNOT LIKE YOU'RE RUNNINGA REAL JAIL HERE.

IT'S METS' JAIL.GET A GRIP!

PIAZZA!

HEY, DUDE, YOU KNOW WHAT?WE GET IT. YOU LIKE PIAZZA.

OK, NOW SETTLE DOWN, DRUNKY.

ALL RIGHT NOW,HONEY. EASY!

THIS MAN HAS PUKINGIN HIS FUTURE.

HEY, SOME GUY'S HERETO CLAIM YOU.

HEY, ARTHUR.

HI, DAD.

WELL, I CAN'T SAYTHIS IS MY PROUDEST MOMENT.

SORRYI DIDN'T GET YOUTHAT FOUL BALL.

OH, NO, DOUGLAS.I WAS VERY TOUCHED.

YOU DID TOSS IT AWAYTO SAVE YOURSELF,BUT OTHER THAN THAT,

IT WAS A VERY NICE GESTURE.

I ALMOST GOT YOUYOUR ICE CREAM.

WELL, YES,BUT I HEARD YOU WEREIN THE "BEER ONLY" LINE.

LAST TIME I CHECKED,THAT MEANS "BEER ONLY."

WELL, ANYWAY, I'M SORRY.

COME ON.

LET'S GET YOU KIDSOUT OF THIS HELL HOLE.

LISTEN, ARTHUR, I'M--

I'M REALLY SORRYABOUT THAT DEMENTEDMONKEY COMMENT.

AW, FORGET IT.

TO BE HONEST, DOUGLAS,BEHIND YOUR BACK,

I OFTEN REFER TO YOUAS THE BUTTERBALL.

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW,AND...OUCH.

TV Announcer: AND FROM THEAT-LEAST-YOU-KNOW-YOU'RE-SMARTER-THAN-SOMEONE FILE,

HERE'S A GUY WHOREALLY WANTED A FOUL BALLIN SHEA STADIUM TODAY.

LOOK AT THIS LUNATIC GO.

BOING! BOING! BOING!

WHY DON'TYOU SHOW THE PART

WHERE I MAKEA CRAZY OLD MAN HAPPY,HUH?

OH, HEY, DAD.

OH, YOU THOUGHTTHAT WAS FUNNY, HUH?

HA HA HA!

FUNNY. FUNNY. FUNNY!

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