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Assaulted Nuts

Doug is goofing off at work, and ends up with a staple in his "area". He has to suffer through the pain while at a meeting with a banker because of an argument with Carrie.

♪ MY EYES ARE GETTIN'WEARY ♪

♪ MY BACK IS GETTIN'TIGHT ♪

♪ I'M SITTIN' HEREIN TRAFFIC ♪

♪ ON THE QUEENSBOROUGHBRIDGE TONIGHT ♪

♪ BUT I DON'T CARECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO... ♪

♪ IS CASH MY CHECK AND DRIVE RIGHT HOME TO YOU ♪

♪ CAUSE BABY ALL MY LIFEI WILL BE DRIVIN' HOME TO YOU ♪

DOUG!

Doug: WHAT?

WOULD YOU COME HERE?I NEED HELPWITH THESE BOXES.

I'M IN THE MIDDLEOF SOMETHING.

DOUG!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WOW, YOU'RE MAKINGPROGRESS IN HERE, HUH?

YEAH, I HAVE TO.IT'S MY ONLY DAYTO GET IT DONE.

OK, ALL THESE BOXESOUT HERE CAN GOIN THE GARAGE,

AND THESE BOXES HERE YOU CAN TAKE DOWN TO THE DUMPSTER, OK?

HELLO? DUMPSTER.

W-W-W-WAIT!I'M NOT SURE I WANT TOGET RID OF THIS STUFF.

HEY, LOOK AT THIS,ONE OF MY VIDEOTAPES.I WANT TO KEEP THIS.

OK, THIS IS AN EPISODE OF QUINCY.

UH, EXCUSE ME.2 EPISODES.

OK, FINE.

JUST KEEP IT,KEEP ALL OF IT,

JUST GET IT OUT OF HERE,

AND WHILEYOU'RE AT IT

COULD YOUTOSS OUT THOSENEWSPAPERS?

I'M GONNA READ THOSE.

[SIGHS]OK, DOUG,

ALL I WANT ISA LOUSY 3-BY-3SPACE

SO I COULD DOMY WORK IN PEACE.

WHY ARE YOUFIGHTING ME?

I'M NOT. I'M FINEWITH YOUR WHOLEHOME-OFFICE THING.

FINE.

NOT CLEAR ON WHYWE NEED A BANK LOANTO GET IT DONE, THOUGH.

BECAUSE ALL OUR CASHIS TIED UP.

YEAH, BUT STILL, A LOAN?LET ME TELL YOUSOMETHING, CARRIE--

I COULD TURN THISWHOLE ROOM INTO A PALACEFOR 100 BUCKS.

SORRY, DOUG,IT'S GONNA COST

A LOT MORETHAN 100 BUCKS.

UH, HOW MUCH MORE?

TRY 40 TIMES THAT.

$40,000?

OH, WAIT A SECOND,$4,000?

YES, DOUG, $4,000.

I NEED A COMPUTER,A DESK, WALLPAPER,

CURTAINS,OFFICE SUPPLIES--

OFFICE SUPPLIES?WAIT, YOU CAN'T STEALTHOSE FROM WORK?

OY.

YOU KNOW WHATTHE PROBLEM IS?

I'LL TELL YOUWHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

IT'S THAT COPY OF HOUSE BEAUTIFUL

THAT CAME IN OUR MAILBY MISTAKE.

YOU FLIPPED THROUGHTHAT,

AND NOW YOU GOTA BEE IN YOUR BONNET

ABOUT MAKINGA FANCY OFFICEFOR YOURSELF.

A BEE IN MY BONNET?

YEAH, THAT'SA REAL THING, RIGHT?

OK, LOOK, DOUG,I HAVE BEENSCHLEPPING BOXES

SINCE 6 A.M. ANDI HAVEN'T HADMY COFFEE YET.

SO IF YOU KEEPAGGRAVATING ME,

I'M GOINGTO BITE YOU.

LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING ISTHAT IF YOU DON'T--

ARTHUR, YOUR TOASTIS DONE.

DON'T TELL ME!

LOOK, LET ME REMIND YOU,

WHEN I FIXED UP THIS GARAGE,YOU KNOW WHAT IT COST ME?

NOTHING.NOT A DIME. BUBKES.

UH, HI? WHAT ABOUT THAT$2,800 BIG-SCREEN TV?

UH, HI, ELECTRONICSDEPOT CHARGE CARD.

NO PAYMENTSTILL NOVEMBER '99.

THAT'S NEXT MONTH.

OOH.

LOOK, DOUG,I DON'T WANT TOARGUE ABOUT THIS.

JUST BE AT THE BANKAT 10:30,

WE'LL SIGN THE LOAN PAPERS,AND YOU CAN GET ONWITH YOUR LIFE.

10:30? WHOA, WHOA,WHOA, WHOA, WAIT!

WHAT IS THISABOUT 10:30?

YOU TOLD MEYOU WERE GOING TO MAKETHE LOAN APPOINTMENT

DURING MY LUNCH BREAK?

WELL, I TRIED FOR THAT,BUT SHE'S GOING ONVACATION TOMORROW.

THAT'S ALL SHE HAD.

I TOLD YOU THISLAST NIGHT.

WHEN?

IN THE BEDROOM,WHEN YOU WEREWORKING OUT,

DOING THOSE STUPIDHAND GRIPPY THINGS.

YEAH, WELL, OBVIOUSLYI DIDN'T HEAR YOU.I WAS IN A ZONE.

LOOK, THERE'S NO WAYI'M GONNA MAKE IT AT 10:30.

I'M RUNNING LATE AS IT IS.

DOUG, SHE'SLEAVING TOWN TOMORROW.I NEED THE LOAN TODAY.

WHAT DO YOU WANTFROM ME?I CAN'T GET AWAY.

MY DAYS ARE JAM-PACKEDWITH WORK.

I SAW YOU ROLL YOUR EYESRIGHT THERE.

WASN'T TRYINGTO HIDE IT.

NOPE, CAN'T DO IT, SORRY.

DOUG, YOU'RE BEINGSO PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVEABOUT THIS.

I MEAN, IF THIS WASSOMETHING YOU WANTED,

YOU WOULD GET OFFWORK.

BUT YOU JUST GOTA BEE IN YOUR BONNET

BECAUSEI WANT TO USEA LITTLE MONEY

TO MAKE MY OFFICELOOK NICE.

OK, FIRST OF ALL,DON'T USE THE "BEEIN THE BONNET" THING.

THAT'S MINE.

OK, SECOND OF ALL,I'D BE HAPPY TO MEET YOUAT THE BANK

IF IT'S DURINGMY LUNCH BREAK, OK?

THE REST OF MY WORKDAY,I'M BUSY.YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

BUSY. NOT PASSIVE,NOT AGGRESSIVE, BUSY.

OH, YEAH!

UH, SORRY, MORALES,BUT THERE'S A NEWSHERIFF IN TOWN,

AND HIS NAME ISDOUG HEFFERNAN.

KEEP GOING, MY MAN.BUILD ON IT,BUILD ON IT.

92, 93, 94...

ALL RIGHT.

NINETY...

OH. GUESS THAT ONEDIDN'T LAND.

AT LEAST YOU'RE INTHE RECORD BOOKS, MY MAN.

COME ON,LET'S HIT THE ROAD.

COME ON.

DEAC?

WHAT?

COULD YOU PLEASECOME TO ME?

WHAT'S UP?

I-I'M NOT SURE,BUT I THINK I MAYHAVE SHOT MYSELF.

REALLY? WHERE?

IN A VERY, VERYBAD PLACE.

WHERE?

RIGHT INTHE TWINS' PLAYPEN.

OOOH!

OW. DOES IT HURT?

[PANTING]ACTUALLY, NO.

IT'S...IT'S MOREOF A LITTLE STING,YOU KNOW.

LIKE A--LIKEA RABBIT BIT ME.

WAIT A MINUTE, MAY--MAYBE IT'S NOT IN THERE.

MAYBE IT JUST GRAZED YOU.

YEAH, MAYBEIT GRAZED ME,YOU'RE RIGHT, YEAH.

DO ME A FAVOR,TAKE A LOOK.

OH, NO, NO.NO WAY, MAN.

COME ON, WOULD YOUTAKE A LOOK, PLEASE?

I DON'T WANNA LOOK.YOU LOOK.

I DON'T BENDTHAT FAR.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

JUST LOOK. DON'TTOUCH ANYTHING.

YEAH. GOOD THINGYOU MENTIONED THAT.

HOW YOU DOING?

HOW ABOUT--HOW ABOUTAN UPDATE THERE, PAL?

OK, I-IT'SDEFINITELY IN THERE.

OH, MY GOD!WHAT SHOULD I DO,WHAT SHOULD I DO?

JUST RELAX, DON'T PANIC.

I HAVE TO PANIC, OK?I'M ATTACHEDTO MY SHORTS!

LOOK, ALL RIGHT, LOOK,WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

ALL RIGHT,TAKE CARE OF IT.

GET IT OUT OF ME,MAN, GET IT OUTOF ME!

ALL RIGHT.LOOK, LOOK,

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM,

THEN I'LL FINISHYOUR SHIFT, ALL RIGHT?

GOOD. OK.HAND OFF ME.

DOUG, YOUR WIFE'SON LINE ONE.

OOH, GOD![PANTING]

[DEEP EXHALE]

HEY.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING,SWEETIE?

GOOD. FINE.YOU? GOOD?

GOOD. LISTEN, UH,I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT,

AND, WELL, UH, I'M SORRYABOUT OUR STUPIDFIGHT THIS MORNING.

UH-HUH, UH-HUH.SO, SEE YOU TONIGHT?

I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAIDWHAT I SAID, YOU KNOW,

ABOUT YOUNOT WORKING HARD.

YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, YEAH.

LOOK, DOUG,I AM TRYINGTO APOLOGIZE TO YOU.

THE LEAST YOU COULD DOIS SAY YOU'RE SORRY.

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY,SORRY.

OK, STOP.

THE OTHER REASONWHY I CALLED IS

I TALKED TO THE LADYAT THE BANK,

I BEGGED HER, AND SHE AGREED TO ME US AT YOUR LUNCH HOUR.

SO, I'LL SEE YOUAT THE BANK AT 1:30, OK?

ANY CHANCE YOU COULD MISSLIKE ONE POTHOLE?

THIS ISTHE QUICKEST WAYTO THE HOSPITAL.

SO, WHY DIDN'T YOUJUST TELL CARRIEWHAT HAPPENED?

BECAUSE WE GOT IN A FIGHTTHIS MORNING,

AND I MADE A HUGE DEALABOUT HOW BUSY I AM AT WORK.

HOW COULD I POSSIBLYEXPLAIN THIS?

JUST TELL HERIT HAPPENED WHILEYOU WERE WORKING.

WHILE I WAS WORKING?

THE STAPLE CAME INFROM BEHIND ME.

THEN TELL HER I DID IT.

YOU?

YEAH, YOU--YOU WEREBENDING OVER,AND I NOTICED,

AND I CAME UPBEHIND YOU WITHA STAPLE GUN--

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNASTOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

THIS SOUNDS WORSE THANWHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

LOOK, THERE'S NO REASONSHE HAS TO KNOW ANYTHING,ALL RIGHT?

IT'S STILL ONLY 11:00.I COULD--I COULDGET THIS THING REMOVED

AND GET TO THE BANK BY 1:30.NO ONE HAS TO KNOWTHE DIFFERENCE.

WON'T SHE EVENTUALLYLOOK IN THAT AREA?

BELIEVE ME,NOT IF I DON'T ASK.

UH-OH. SPEED BUMP.

I WILL BE, UH,RIGHT OVER THERE

WHEN YOU'REREADY FOR ME.

OK.

QADDAFI! OW...

SIR?

YOU FORGOTTO WRITE DOWN WHATYOU'RE HERE FOR.

OH, DID I? HA!

YES.

FORGOT TO WRITE IT DOWN.THAT'S...

THAT'S WILD,AIN'T IT?

WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

UH...JUST A SECOND, OK?

YUSPA!

OH, YEAH! UNH!

OK. I, UH...

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME JUSTDRAW YOU A PICTURE HERE.

THIS WILL...

EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.THAT'LL TELL THE STORYRIGHT THERE, OK?

HA HA!

ARE THESE WHATI THINK THEY ARE?

AHEM. YES. YES. YES.

THAT'S THE WHOLE AREARIGHT THERE.

OF COURSE THAT'SNOT ACTUAL SIZE.

ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW,IT PROBABLY IS, 'CAUSEI'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

IS THE DOCTOR GONNASEE ME SOON?

WHAT'S THIS LINE?

THAT'S A STAPLE.A STAPLE.

YEAH, A STAPLE.THAT'S ONE STAPLERIGHT THERE. A STAPLE.

HOW'S THAT DOCTOR THINGLOOKING?

IN A FEW MINUTES.I'LL--I'LL JUSTHAVE TO SEE

YOUR INSURANCE CARD.

OH.

ARTHUR, IT'S ME DOUG.

YOUR SON-IN-LAW.

DOUGLAS? YES.

DOUG IS SHORTFOR DOUGLAS.

WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.

LISTEN, I NEED YOUTO DO ME A FAVOR.

I--I NEED YOU TO GET MECARRIE'S INSURANCE CARD

AND BRING IT TO MEAT FLUSHING MEADOW HOSPITAL.

I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

JUST MAKE SURESHE DOESN'T FIND OUTYOU'RE MEETING ME HERE.

OK? THANKS.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

OK...

WHAT'S THE STORY?

STORY? NO STORY.

I WAS JUST STANDINGHERE CASUALLY

SCRATCHING MY HEAD.

YOU WERE RIFLINGTHROUGH MY PURSE.

UH-HUH. THAT'S ONLYBECAUSE I WAS...

STEALING MONEY.

OK.

WHY?

I'M GONNA LEVELWITH YOU, HONEY.

I HAVEA GAMBLING PROBLEM.

MY BOOKMAKERJIMMY MARBLES IS GONNABREAK MY KNEECAPS

IF I DON'T COME UPWITH THE SCRATCH!

DAD, IF YOU KEEP SAYINGTHINGS LIKE THIS,

HOW WILL I KNOWWHEN YOU'RE GOING SENILE?

UH-HUH.

TRUTH IS,I WAS JUST LOOKINGFOR A TIC TAC

AND HERE WE GO!

BIRTH CONTROL PILLS,DAD.

WHY DO YOU NEEDBIRTH CONTROL PILLS?

DOES HE TOUCH YOU?!

OH, GOD, ARTHUR,WHERE YOU BEEN?

SORRY.I THOUGHT YOU SAIDFLUSHING MEADOW PARK.

THEN I GOT CAUGHT UPIN A GIRL'S SOCCER GAME.

HERE YOU GO.

THANKS. AAH...

SO, UH...

WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

UH, NOTHING.JUST, UH...

NOTHING.

COME ON. WHAT IS IT?

ECZEMA? PINKEYE?

NO, ARTHUR.

HAVING SOMETHING,UH..."ENHANCED"?

AGAIN, NO.

THEN WHAT?

I JUST HAD A LITTLEACCIDENT AT WORK.

I, UH...SHOT MYSELFWITH A STAPLE GUN.

WHERE?

IN, UH...

REALLY?

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

NO, ARTHUR...

I DON'T SEE IT.

ARTHUR, COME ON,MAN, LET'S GO, OK?

STRADDLE ME SO I CANGET A BETTER ANGLE.

GET UP--OH, THERE IT IS!

RIGHT IN THE TOOL BAG!

WHOA!

WOULD YOU STOPAND SETTLE DOWN?

COME ON. THIS ISHARD ENOUGH FOR MEAS IT IS.

I KNOW WHATYOU'RE GOING THROUGH,DOUGLAS. I'VE...

BEEN DOWN THIS ROADMYSELF.

YOU HAVE?

SURE. STAPLES, RIVETS...

KNITTING NEEDLES...

MY ADVICE ISJUST LEAVE IT IN.

L-LEAVE IT IN?I'M ATTACHEDTO MY IPS SHORTS.

NOT A PROBLEM.JUST MAKE SURE YOUDON'T LOSE YOUR JOB.

YEAH. UH, INSURANCE CARD.

HOW MUCH LONGER?

UH, THE DOCTOR ISJUST FINISHING UP.YOU'RE NEXT.

OH, GREAT.

IF YOUJUST FOLLOW ME TOTHE EXAMINING AREA--

BUS CRASH!

10 CRITICAL, 3 SERIOUS!TRIAGE SETUP OUTSIDE!

UH...THIS IS A FIRST-COMEFIRST-SERVED DEALIE, RIGHT?

ARTHUR, LOOK, DO MEA FAVOR. HOLD MY PLACEIN LINE, WOULD YOU?

OWW...AAH,BABY STEPS...BABY STEPS...

HI.

HEY! THERE YOU ARE.YEAH.

HEY, HOWYOU DOING THERE?GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

HMM?

WHAT, NO HUG?

HONEY, WE ARE IN A BANK. IT'S...

UNLESS WE'RE TRYINGTO BORROW MONEYFOR A PORNO FILM,

I THINK WE OUGHTTO PULL IN THE REINSA LITTLE, HUH?

OK, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, YOU'REACTING WEIRD AGAIN,

JUST LIKE YOU WEREON THE PHONE. I MEAN,

IF YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME,WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SO?

I AM NOT MAD.

YOU ARE SO. I CAN TELL.

I AM NOT!LET'S JUST SIGNTHE STUPID PAPERS

AND GET OUT OF HERE,OK?

"STUPID PAPERS."

OK, FINE.

WHATEVER.

MR. AND MRS. HEFFERMAN?

ACTUALLY,IT'S HEFFER-NIN.

OH. WELL, I'M SORRY.

RIGHT THIS WAY,MR. AND MRS. HEFFER-NIN.

WELL, YOU DON'T ACTUALLYHAVE TO PUNCH THE "NIN."

I WAS JUST SAYING THATFOR YOUR BENEFIT.

PLEASE COME IN.

HONEY, LOOK AT YOU.YOU'RE A MESS.

WOULD YOU FIXYOUR COLLAR?

AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS.

NOW, THEREARE 3 DIFFERENTPAYMENT OPTIONS,

EACH WITH ITS OWNDISTINCT ADVANTAGESAND DISADVANTAGES.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TOREVIEW THEM FOR YOU?

NO. WHICHEVER ONEYOU LIKE IS FINE.

UH, HONEY,I WOULD LIKETO HEAR THEM.

FINE.

WELL, OPTION ONE

IS JUST YOUR STRAIGHTFORWARDFIXED MONTHLY PAYMENT.

IT'S NOT ONE OFYOUR MORE EXCITING CHOICES,

BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHATYOU'RE GETTING HIT WITH

AT THE END OF THE MONTH.

NOW, OPTION 2 IS CALLEDTHE FLOATING PAYMENT PLAN.

IN THIS PLAN,YOUR PAYMENTS VARY

BASED UPON FLUCTUATIONS INTHE PRIME RATE OF INTEREST.

SOME MONTHS, YOUR PAYMENTSWILL BE LOWER,

OTHER MONTHS, YOU'LL HAVEA SHARP METAL OBJECT

IN YOUR TESTICLES.

NOW, FOR EXAMPLE,IF IN JANUARY,

THE PRIME RATEGOES TO, SAY, 8%,

WHAT YOU'LL END UP WITHIS A COMMON OFFICE SUPPLY

VIOLATING THE VERY ESSENCEOF YOUR MANHOOD.

PULLING,

GRABBING,

PINCHING,

SWELLING,

TUGGING.

THROBBING PAIN SO INTENSE

YOU'LL PRAY FORTHE SWEET RELEASEOF DEATH.

AND THOSE AREYOUR 3 BASIC OPTIONS.

ANY QUESTIONS?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

EXCUSE ME JUST A MOMENT.

AHEM! RHONDA PHILLIPS.

SO, HONEY, WHICHOPTION DO YOU THINKWE SHOULD GO WITH?

WHICHEVER ONEIS THE QUICKEST.

FOR GOD'S SAKE,CAN YOU JUST GIVE MEYOUR OPINION?

I CAN'T BELIEVEWHAT A BABY YOU'REBEING ABOUT THIS!

AND WHY ARE YOUSWEATING SO MUCH?

LOOK, THERE'S SOMETHING I...

SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOU.

WHAT?

COME HERE.

YOU STAPLED YOURSELFIN THE MALL?

REALLY?

CAN I LOOK?

YEAH.

OK.

WHOA!

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE WERE FOOLING AROUNDAT WORK.

I WAS SHOOTING STAPLESINTO A TIN CAN.

AND THEN I CAUGHTMY UNDERCARRIAGE.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE?

WE SHOULD BEAT THE HOSPITAL.

LET'S GO.

NO. LOOK, THIS MORNINGI WAS BEING REALLY STUPID.

AND SELFISH AND...I-I'M REALLY SORRY.

ALL RIGHT?

I WANT YOU TO HAVE YOUR OFFICE,JUST THE WAY YOU WANT IT.

I WANT IT, TOO, BUT IALSO WANT TO HAVE KIDS.

NOW COME ON.

NO. LOOK, WE'RE ALREADY HERE,I CAN GET THROUGH THIS.

LET'S JUST MAKE IT QUICK.

ANYWAY, I'M SORRYABOUT THAT.

BUT BACK TO BUSINESS.

YOU FOLKS DECIDED?

YEAH. WE'RE GONNA GOWITH THE THIRD ONE.

THE BALLOON PAYMENT ONE.

THE BALLOON ONE, YEAH.

OK. YOU'RE SURE?

YEAH. WE'RE SURE.WE LIKE BALLOONS.

PRETTY.

OK, FAIR ENOUGH.

OPTION...3...

BALLOON...PAY--

PLEASE...USE MINE.

THANK YOU.

PAYMENT.

OK, LET ME JUSTGET THESE FORMS HERETOGETHER FOR YOU.

ALL RIGHT, HERE WEHAVE YOUR K-19.

OH.

AND WE HAVEYOUR DISCLOSURE.

YOUR TAX STATUSREPORT.

RATE SCHEDULE.

FOR GODSAKES, GET A PAPERCLIP.

OH...

I'M RIGHT HEREWITH YOU, BABY.

JUST BREATHE.

[DOING LA MAZE BREATHING]

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

HANG ON.HANG ON, BABY.

I'M TRYING.I'M TRYING.

Doctor: IT'S JUST ABOUT OUT.

OK, HERE WE GO.

IT'S COMING.

IT'S...OUT!

OH...OH...

Doctor:AND EVERYTHING'S FINE.

I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

Man: SPOONER.

SPOONER!

YEAH?

DON'T CARRY THAT RIVET GUNIN YOUR POCKET.

DON'T TELL ME.

[RIVET, RIVET, RIVET]

OHHH!

WE NEED HELP OVER HERE.

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