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Ray's on TV

Ray is devastated when he discovers his family lied to him about his television debut on a sports chat show. Guest Star: Kevin James, Roy Firestone, James Worthy

- I'M LATE.

- YEAH, RAY, LISTEN,

ALLY DREW THIS PICTUREOF OUR FAMILY,

AND NOW SHE WANTS TO PUT ITUP ON THE FRIDGE.

- YEAH. SO?

- WELL, LOOK AT IT.THERE'S ALLY AND THE TWINS.

AND THERE'S YOU AND ME AND...

LOOK AT YOUR PARENTS.

- OH. SHE MADE THEM GIANTS.

- YEAH.

- WITH SHARP TEETHAND CLAWS.

- YEAH, AND THEY'REATTACKING OUR HOUSE.

- STOP IT.I'M SHOWING HIM.

- NO, THIS WAY.IT GOES THIS WAY.

- SHE'S VERY PERCEPTIVE.

- WE CAN'T PUT THISON THE FRIDGE.

YOUR PARENTSARE GOING TO SEE IT.

- DO YOU LIKEMY PICTURE, DADDY?

- UM, YES, I DO,I DO, SWEETIE.

- HONEY, HOW COME YOU MADE

GRANDMA AND GRANDPALOOK SO SCARY?

- THAT'S NOTGRANDMA AND GRANDPA.

THOSE AREHALLOWEEN MONSTERS.

- OH.- OKAY.

- GRANDMA AND GRANDPAAREN'T MONSTERS.

- AH, YOUTH.- YUP.

[phone rings]- PRESS BOX.

YEAH, HOLD ONONE SECOND.

KEVIN,IT'S ROY FIRESTONE.

- OOH. ROY'S CALLING.

- "OOH. ROY'S CALLING.

I'M ON TV WITH ROY.MMM, ROY FIRESTONE."

- YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE JEALOUS,ARE YOU, ANDY?

- NO, I'M NOT JEALOUS.

SO KEVIN DOES THE PLAY-BY-PLAYFOR THE METS,

AND I'M JUSTHIS HUMPBACKED STAT GUY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WITHOUT ME, HE WOULDN'TKNOW WHAT TO SAY.

HE'D OPEN UP HIS MOUTH,AND MEAT WOULD FALL OUT.

- THANKS.I'LL TELL HIM NOW.

ALL RIGHT, ROY.

YEAH!YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?

THAT WASROY FREAKIN' FIRESTONE.

- DID HE ASK YOUTO A SLEEPOVER?

- YOU, MY FRIEND,ARE GONNA BE ON TV.

- ME? WHAT--WHAT AREYOU TALKING ABOUT?

- HARVEY JOHNSON'STAKING A VACATION,

AND ROY WANTS YOUTO FILL IN WITH US

ON SPORTSCALL WITH ROY FIRESTONE.

- GET OUTTA HERE.COME ON, I DON'T--

I DON'T KNOW TV.I'M A SPORTSWRITER.

- ROY SPECIFICALLY ASKEDFOR A NEWSPAPER GUY

OR A CHINESE PERSON.

- WAIT A MINUTE.WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THAT'S A LIVE TV SHOW.

- IT'S 30 MINUTES,COME ON!

IT'S THE EASIEST MONEYYOU EVER MADE.

- EASIER THANTHE 40 BUCKS HE GOT

WHEN YOU COULDN'T DOSEVEN PUSH-UPS?

- IT WAS TEN, ANDY.

I COULDN'T DO TEN PUSH-UPS.

- IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSEYOU STOPPED AFTER TWO.

- SO YOU'RE IN, RIGHT?

- I DON'T KNOW.I GOTTA--

COME ON, I GOTTATHINK IT OVER.

- I GOT TO LET 'EM KNOWTONIGHT, RAY.

- ROY WANTS ME?COME ON, HE KNOWS WHO I AM.

- EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO YOU ARE.YOU KNOW SPORTS, YOU --

YOU GET TO THE HEART,THE POETRY THAT IS SPORTS.

- OH, I'M HAVING THE STOMACHTHAT IS NAUSEOUS.

- YOU'RE SUREHE KNOWS ME, HE--

- YES!- HE'S READ MY STUFF?

- HE KNOWS IT ALL.COME ON!

- YOU THINK I'LL DOALL RIGHT ON THERE?

- YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT,MAN, COME ON.

- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.

- YEAH!THAT'S THE MAN I KNOW.

- OH, MAN,I GOT TO CALL DEBRA.

- YEAH, LOOK AT YOU.

- DEBRA'S GONNA FLIP, MAN,WHEN SHE HEARS THIS.

- WHOO!TV BIG SHOT.

- HI.

OH, HI, MICHAEL.MICHAEL ANSWERED THE PHONE.

HIS FIRST TIME.HE'S NEVER DONE THAT.

- HUH, FIRST TIME--WHAT IS HE, 14 NOW, RAY?

- HE'S TWO.

YEAH,HI, IT'S DADDY.

NO, I KNOW DADDY'SNOT HOME. I'M DADDY.

NO, I'M DADDY!

YEAH, I, UH--IS MOMMY--HELLO?

NO-NO,DON'T GO GET DADDY!

NO. HE DROPPED THE PHONE!

IS SOMEBODY THERE?

IS SOMEBODY THERETO PICK UP THE PHONE?

DEBRA, I HEAR YOU, DEBRA.

YOU'RE WALKINGRIGHT BY THE PHONE NOW.

LOOK DOWN.LOOK DOWN, DEBRA!

I'M IN THE PHONE!

YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER DID?

SHE SENT FLYERS OUTALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

GIVE ME--GIVE MESOME TIPS, MAN.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

- JUST MAKE LOVETO THE CAMERA, RAY.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY,FELLAS?

- HEY, ROY.- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU ALL KNOWJAMES WORTHY.

- HEY, JAMES,GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- RAY, GOODTO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- YOU ALL READYFOR THE BIG SHOW?

- I GUESS SO.

I DON'T DO TV MUCH.

EVER.

FIRST TIME.

KINDA GOTSOME BUTTERFLIES GOING.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, I DON'T GETTHE BUTTERFLIES.

I JUST THROW UPBEFORE EVERY LIVE SHOW.

- WE'RE LIVE IN 30 SECONDS.

- WAIT, I DIDN'TTHROW UP YET.

HOW DO YOU SIT?

DO YOU SIT--DO YOU CROSSYOUR LEGS MUCH?

- I DON'T, BUT I CAN'T.

- OKAY, EVERYBODY,STAND BY...

IN 5...4...

3...2...

- LISTEN, CAN I GET--

- HELLO AGAIN, EVERYBODY.

I'M ROY FIRESTONE,

AND THIS IS SPORTSCALL.

OUR GUESTALL THIS WEEK

FROM THE GREATLAKER CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM

IS MR. JAMES WORTHY.

AND AS ALWAYS,

THE RADIO VOICEOF THE NEW YORK METS,

MR. KEVIN DANIELS.

GOOD TO SEE YOU, KEVIN.

- ROY. JAMES.

HOW ARE YOU,FOLKS?

- AND A BRAND-NEW FACE

FROM NEWSDAY,A FINE COLUMNIST,

MR. RAY BARONE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU,RAY.

- HOWDY.

- OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT,

ATHLETES AND STEROIDS.

AS YOU MIGHT KNOW,

THERE'S AN INCREASINGUSE OF STEROIDS

AMONG AMATEUR ATHLETES,

AND, RAY, YOU WROTE A VERYINTERESTING PIECE ABOUT THAT.

- AHEM, YES, I DID, ROY.

- WHY DON'T YOU TELL USABOUT THAT, RAY?

- UM...IT'S A GROWING PROBLEM.

IT'S A GROWING PROBLEM.

STEROIDS.

I'D SAY IT'S EVEN--

IT'S GOTTEN TO BEA BIT OF A...

UH...

- EPIDEMIC?

- NO, NO, NO,IT'S NOT AN EPIDEMIC.

IT'S OUT OF CONTROL.IT'S KINDA LIKE A...

EPIDEMIC.

YEAH.

WHAT THEY DID WAS,

THEY TOOK A GROUPOF OLYMPIC ATHLETES,

AND THEY AXED THEM

IF USING STEROIDS WOULDGUARANTEE YOU A GOLD MEDAL

BUT WOULD ALSO KILL YOUIN FIVE YEARS,

WOULD YOU STILL DO IT?

64% OF THEM SAID YES.

- WOW. REALLY?

- THAT'S ALARMING.

- I REALLY ENJOYED THE PIECE,A TERRIFIC PIECE.

YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

- OH, THANKS.THANKS, ROY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN A PROGRAMSUCCEEDS LIKE THAT,

A LOT OF THAT STUFF JUST GETSSWEPT RIGHT UNDER THE RUG.

- RIGHT.- YEAH. YEAH.

AND WHAT'S GONNAHAPPEN IS THAT

IT'S LATER THAT THESE KIDSARE GONNA REALIZE

THAT...OH, THEY'VE MADEA HORRIBLE MISTAKE, YOU KNOW?

THEY DON'T REALIZE ITAT FIRST...

[amplified scratching]

BUT WHAT HAPPENS IS,YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE SACRIFICINGWHAT ONCE,

YOU KNOW,WAS THE IDEAL,

THE IDEAL DREAM,THE AMERICAN DREAM, YOU KNOW.

- HELLO.

- HOORAY!- YAY! YAY!

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- I'M CAPTURINGTHE MOMENT.

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON,DAD, CUT IT OUT.

- GREAT ACTION SHOT!

- HOORAY FOR RAY!- OH, COME ON.

LET ME BE THE FIRST ONETO HUG MY BIG TV STAR.

WHOO!- IT WASN'T THAT GOOD.

- HEY, FRANK,TAKE A PICTURE.

- COME ON, COME ON,COME ON.

- THEY SHOULD GIVE YOUTHE SHOW.

YOU'RE BETTERTHAN THAT OTHER GUY.

- KEVIN?- NO, NO, THE OTHER ONE,

THE ONE WHO WAS ACTINGLIKE THE BOSS.

- ROY FIRESTONE?

- YOU WERE THE WHOLE SHOW!

- COME ON.

- YIPPEE!

- NOW YOU GOTTELEVISION.

WAY TO GO.

- FRANKLY, I FELT A LITTLEAWKWARD THERE, YOU KNOW.

- OH, YOU'D NEVER KNOW.

- HERE'S JAMES WORTHYLISTENING TO YOU TALK.

- YOU TOOK PICTURES OF MEON THE TELEVISION.

- SURE. HOW OFTEN ISMY SON ON THE TUBE?

- I WAS ON WHENWE BUSTED JOHN GOTTI.

- YES, BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVEANY LINES, DEAR.

- SO WHAT DID YOU THINK?- OH, YOU WERE GREAT.

WHAT DID THEY SAYAT THE SHOW?

- YEAH. I THINKTHEY LIKED ME.

- OF COURSETHEY LIKED YOU.

- IT WAS LIKE WATCHINGJOE GARAGIOLA.

- LOOK, THIS ONEIS ROY SMILING

AT SOMETHING I SAIDRIGHT THERE.

- I REMEMBERWHEN HE DID THAT.

YEAH, I SAW THAT.THAT WAS GREAT.

THEY LIKE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT,ALL RIGHT, COME ON!

IT'S A TV SHOW;THAT'S ALL IT IS.

WE COULD BLOW THAT ONE UP.

THAT ONE COULD GET BLOWN UP.

- RAY!

- HEY, I WAS JUSTTALKING TO KEVIN--

- RAY, LOOK AT THIS.LOOK AT THIS.

ALLY DREW ANOTHERPICTURE OF OUR FAMILY,

AND SHE STILL SAYSTHAT THESE MONSTERS

AREN'T YOUR PARENTS.

- ALL RIGHT, SO MAYBE...

MAYBE THEY'RE NOT.

- RAY, THIS ONE IS BALD,

AND THIS ONE'S CARRYINGA COVERED DISH.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?SAVE THAT.

SOMEDAY A THERAPISTMAY WANT TO SEE IT.

LISTEN, I WAS JUSTTALKING TO KEVIN,

AND HARVEY JOHNSON'S GONNABE OUT AGAIN TOMORROW,

SO THEY WANT METO DO THE SHOW AGAIN.

- OH. I THOUGHT IT WASJUST A ONE-TIME DEAL.

- YEAH, WELL,THINGS WENT PRETTY WELL THERE.

EVERYBODY SEEMEDTO LIKE IT,

SO I FIGURED,HEY, WHY NOT?

- HEY, GREAT, GREAT.

YEAH,THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

- WHAT?

- NOTHING.

- WELL, I MEAN,YOU'RE PURSING YOUR LIPS.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- I'M NOT PURSING.

- PUH-PUH-PUH!- WHAT? NO.

OKAY.

OKAY, IT'S JUST...

MAYBE BEFORE THE NEXT SHOW,YOU COULD...

JUST PRACTICE A FEW WORDS

YOU KIND OF HADJUST A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE

SAYING TONIGHT.

- LIKE WHAT--- NO, NO, NO.

DON'T GET SO EXCITED.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

- COME ON.I'M GONNA BE ON TELEVISION.

WHAT ARE YOU...- OKAY, LOOK.

"ASTERISK."

YOU WERE--YOU WERE TALKINGABOUT SOME RECORD

THAT HAD AN ASTERISKNEXT TO IT.

- YEAH? YEAH?

- YEAH. ASTERISK.

- WELL, COME ON.ASTERIX.

ASTERIX.

I SAID ASTERIXON TELEVISION!

- IT'S OKAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO,IT'S OKAY. JUST...

JUST...ASTERISK.

- ASTERIX.- ASTERISK.

- ASTERIX.- AS-TER--

- OH, I KNOW!STOP SHOWING OFF!

- SORRY, SORRY, SORRY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?MAYBE IT WOULD BE EASIER

IF YOU JUST BREAK ITINTO TWO PARTS:

ASTER, RISK.

- ASTER, RISK.

- ASTERISK.- ASTERIX.

OHH.

- HEY, RAY, YOU KNOW,NOBODY EVEN CARES.

NEXT TIME THAT WORD COMES UP,MAYBE JUST SAY...

LITTLE STAR.

- WHAT ELSE? WHAT ELSE?WHAT OTHER WORDS?

- WELL...I MEAN...

YOU'RE ASKING ME,RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- YOU'RE... ASKING ME.

- YEAH.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M AXING YOU.

OH.

- YEAH. "ASK."

SOMETIMES YOU SAY...

- AX. AX. OH, MAN.

- NO, NO, NO,HONEY, COME ON.

YOU JUST GOT TO PRACTICETHOSE WORDS.

JUST PRACTICETHOSE WORDS.

- WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOUTELL ME THIS?

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME

THE FIRST TIMEI AXED YOU SOMETHING.

- I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNABE ON TELEVISION.

YOU KNOW WHATWE COULD DO?

LET'S PUT THEM ALLIN A SENTENCE.

SAY, UM..."I ASKED YOU TO PUTTHE ASTERISK WITH THE...

CINNAMON."

- CINNAMUM.

CINNAMUM.CINNAMUM.

OH, MY GOD, I'M A MONKEY.

- COME ON.COME ON.

"I ASKED YOU TO PUT THE ASTERISKWITH THE CINNAMON."

- I ASKED YOU...- GOOD. GOOD.

- TO PUT THE ASTERISK

WITH THE CINNAMUM...

CINNAM...

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?NO MORE IHOP.

- RAY, IT'S--IT'S...

IT'S JUST THOSECOUPLE OF WORDS, THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN,YOU WERE REALLY--

WE TOLD YOUYOU WERE GREAT ON THE SHOW.

- YEAH, YOU TOLD ME.YOU TOLD ME.

I BELIEVED YOU.

- NO, REALLY, HONEY,YOU WERE TERRIFIC.

- OH, DON'T, DON'T!

SORRY I AXED.

- HI.

- OH, HI, DEAR. YOU HUNGRY?- NO.

- SIT DOWN.I'LL MAKE YOU A SANDWICH.

- OH, ALLY GAVE YOUONE OF HER PAINTINGS?

- YEAH.

LOOK HOW BIG WE ARE,

COMPARED TO THE RESTOF THE FAMILY.

- YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

LISTEN...

YOU GUYS EVER NOTICE

THAT I SAYCERTAIN WORDS FUNNY?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE GLOCKENSPIEL OR TUSHY?

- NOT FUNNY WORDS, DAD.

DO I MISPRONOUNCE WORDS?

I'M JUST ASKING.

- NO. I THINK YOU SPEAKBEAUTIFULLY, DEAR.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

- DEBRA THOUGHT I HAD TROUBLEON THE SHOW LAST NIGHT

WITH CERTAIN WORDS.

- OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S BEINGA LITTLE NITPICKY.

- YEAH? SO YOU REALLY THINK

I WAS ALL RIGHTLAST NIGHT?

- YEAH.

- OH, GOOD. GOOD,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA DO ITAGAIN TONIGHT.

- THEY WANT YOU BACK?

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- NOTHING.IT'S JUST THAT WE--

WE THOUGHT IT WAS...OVER.

- SO YOU DID NOTICETHE WORDS.

- LISTEN, YOU GOTBIGGER PROBLEMS

THAN YOUR LITTLEWORDS THERE.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE SCRATCHINGTHE MICROPHONE.

NOBODY COULD HEARWHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON.

- AT LEAST THE SCRATCHING

KEPT HIM FROM WAVINGHIS HANDS AROUND

LIKE HE WAS LANDING PLANES.

- THE MICROPHONEWAS MUCH WORSE.

- NO.

- IT SEEMED LIKE HE'D NEVER BEENON TELEVISION BEFORE.

- HE NEVER HAS BEENON TELEVISION BEFORE,

BUT HE'S HAD HIS HANDSHIS WHOLE LIFE.

- THE MICROPHONE WASMUCH MORE ANNOYING!

RAY, WHICHIS MORE ANNOYING?

THIS....

OR THIS?

[imitates microphonecrackling]

- I DID THAT?

- YEAH.NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT,

YOUR VOICE WASKIND OF MONOTONOUS.

- I DIDN'T MENTION THAT.

- YOU TENDED TO...DRONE ON AND ON, DEAR.

- IT WAS VERY OFF-PUTTING.

- OH, MY GOD.

- YOU SEE? LIKE THAT.

MOST PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "MY GOD!"

YOU GOT TO TRYAND MAKE YOUR VOICE

GO UP AND DOWN MORE,

HIGH AND LOW.

I WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE

A NICE DILL PICKLE.

PICKLE, MARIE.

- OH.

- OKAY, SO...

SO LET ME GET THISSTRAIGHT, DAD.

EVERYTHING YOU SAIDAFTER THE SHOW LAST NIGHT

WAS A LIE,AND BEHIND MY BACK,

YOU'VE BEEN TALKINGABOUT HOW BAD I WAS.

YOU THINK I STUNK.YOU THINK I STUNK!

- OH, WHAT DIFFERENCEDOES IT MAKE WHAT WE THINK?

THEY ASKED YOU BACK.

- BUT KEEP IN MINDSOME OF THE THINGS WE TOLD YOU,

BECAUSE I GOT TO SEEPEOPLE DURING THE DAY.

- OH, MY GOD.THE SUPERMARKET.

- YOU LIE TO ME.

YOU LIE TO ME,AND YOU DO IT SO WELL.

HOW LONG HAS THISBEEN GOING ON?

- THREE WEEKS.

- LOOK AT YOU. OH, MY GOD,

YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO MEMY WHOLE LIFE,

HAVEN'T YOU?

"OH, RAYMOND,YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT WRITER,

YOU COULD'VE BEENWRITING POETRY."

HOW ABOUT IN HIGH SCHOOL, MA?"DON'T WORRY, RAY,

THE GIRLS, THEY DON'T KNOWWHAT THEY'RE MISSING."

THEY KNEW! THEY KNEW,AND THEY DIDN'T MISS IT.

HOW ABOUT THIS, MA?

WERE YOU LYINGWHEN YOU SAID,

"OH, THE DAY YOU WERE BORN

WAS THE HAPPIEST DAYOF OUR LIVES"?

- NO. THAT'S TRUE.IT WAS.

DON'T EAT THAT NOW,ROBERT.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YOU KNOW THEY'VE BEEN LYINGTO US OUR WHOLE LIVES?

ANY TIME THEY EVER TRIED TO MAKEUS FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.

- WHEN DID THAT HAPPENTO ME?

- OH, HONEY, I'M SUREWE LIED TO YOU

PLENTY OF TIMES.

- YOU GOT TO GETYOUR OWN PLACE, MAN.

- OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

WE LOVEHAVING YOU HERE.

- OH, MY GOD.

- RAY...

WE TOLD YOUYOU WERE A GOOD WRITER

SO THAT YOU WOULD THINKYOU WERE A GOOD WRITER, SEE?

THEN SOMEBODYGAVE YOU A JOB.

THAT'S WHAT PARENTS DO.

THEY ALL LIE TO THEIR KIDSFOR THEIR OWN GOOD.

- BUT OTHER PARENTSAREN'T LYING, MA.

THEY BELIEVEIN THEIR CHILDREN.

- NO, THEY DON'T.

- WELL, THAT'S IT.THAT'S IT, OKAY?

NO MORE LIES, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T HELP ME ANYMORE!

- THAT WAS GOOD:HIGH AND LOW.

- THEY SAY THAT BECAUSE THE PROSCAN HIT IT SO FAR

THAT THEY SHOULD LENGTHENTHE LENGTH OF ALL THE COURSES,

AND, UH...

YOU KNOW, I KNOWI'M PROBABLY DRONING ON HERE,

BUT, UM...

BUT WHAT ABOUT TRADITION?

THERE'S ALWAYS TRADITIONAND HISTORY AND--AND STUFF,

AND I KNOW, I KNOW,I KNOW, I KNOW, OKAY?

I SUPPORT THE CHANGESIN BASEBALL, BUT...

LOOK, LET ME AX...AX...

ASK YOU SOMETHING HERE.

UH...SHOULDN'T, UH...

A SPORT SOMETIMESSHOULD ADOPT, ADAPT...

ADAPT AND GROW,BUT AREN'T THERE TIMES

THAT A SPORTSHOULDN'T ADOPT-- ADAPT--

AND, UH...

AND NOT GROW,PROBABLY NOT GROW?

- OH, HI, HONEY.

THAT DIDN'T GOVERY WELL, DID IT?

- NOT YOUR BEST MOMENTTHERE, RAYMOND.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- WE'RE BEING HONEST.

YOU SAIDTHAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

- I COULD'VE EATENA BOX OF ALPHA-BITS

AND CRAPPEDA BETTER INTERVIEW.

- WELL,WHAT DID YOU THINK?

- HONEY, I BEGGED YOU TO SAY"LITTLE STAR."

- IT WAS EVEN WORSETHAN LAST TIME.

- YOU MADE ME HATE TV.

- WANT ME TO PLAY IT BACKFOR YOU, RAYMOND?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, I WANTED YOUTO BE HONEST, BUT...

IT COULDN'T HAVE BEENALL BAD.

DAD, I MADE MY VOICEGO HIGH AND LOW LIKE YOU SAID.

- THAT DIDN'T WORK.

- WHAT ABOUT MY LITTLESTEINBRENNER JOKE?

- IT WASN'T FUNNY.

IT'S NOT NICE TO HURTOTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

- THIS IS FUNNY.

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON.I MEAN, IT COULD'VE BEEN--

THERE HAD TO BESOMETHING THERE.

I WAS...I SAT THERE, AND...

COME ON.

COME ON!

- I THOUGHT THERE WEREA LOT OF GOOD THINGS, RAY.

- YEAH?- YEAH.

LIKE, THOSE OTHER GUYS ARE SO...

POLISHEDAND PROFESSIONAL,

AND YOU WERE,LIKE, HUMAN.

- YEAH.- YEAH.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUTWHAT I SAID, THOUGH?

DID IT MAKE SENSE?

- OH, YES. YEAH.

I GOT SOME OF IT.

- SO I MEAN, IT WASN'TA TOTAL DISASTER?

AH, NO, NO.NOT AT ALL, NO.

- WELL, HOW MANYTOTAL DISASTERS ARE THERE?

- RAY, THE FACT THAT YOU COULDGO ON LIVE TELEVISION

WITH SUCHLITTLE EXPERIENCE,

THAT REALLY SAYS A LOT.

- YOU WERE GREAT, DEAR.

- AT LEASTI TRIED, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT'S BETTER.

IT'S BETTER TO TRYTHAN TO...NOT TRY.

- YES! YES!

[all talking]

- I MEAN,YOU WERE SO...

- OKAY!

[talking stops]OKAY.

THANKS.

- BETTER THAN BROADWAY.

- OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.I GOT SOME MAKEUP ON.

I'M GONNA TAKETHE MAKEUP OFF,

AND THEN I'LL COME BACK.

- OKAY, YEAH.

YOU WERE SO GOOD.

I BET THEY HAVE YOUBACK ON AGAIN.

I'M SURE THEY WILL.- YEAH.

- IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU,RAYMOND.

- ROBERT.

- I DON'T THINK THAT WAS A TOTAL DISASTER.

[chuckles]

- WELL, HOW MANY TOTAL DISASTERSARE THERE?

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