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Lethal Weapons

Phil's quest to land a new client puts the boys in a strip club, and Stuart in the hospital. Holly’s new “magic bra” works wonders.

- ALL RIGHT, FELLAS.

SOMETHING BIG IS GOING DOWN,AND I NEED A FAVOR.

- YOU GOT IT.

AS LONG ASIT DOESN'T INVOLVE ME

GETTING UP FROM THIS COUCH.

- I NEED YOU TO GO WITH ME TOA STRIP CLUB.

- LET ME GET MY GOOD GLASSES.

- SO WHAT'S UP, STUART?YOU IN?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I'M AS FUN AS THE NEXT GUY,YOU KNOW,

BUT A GENTLEMEN'S CLUBON A WEEKNIGHT?

WHAT ARE WE?CHARLIE SHEEN?

- STUART,THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

I'M TRYING TO SIGNTHIS FIGHTER,

AND I GOT A TIPHE'S GOING TO BE THERE.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST GOWITH HASKELL?

- 'CAUSE I GOTTA LOOK LIKEI'M HANGING WITH MY CREW.

IF IT'S JUST ME AND HASKELL,

IT WOULD LOOK LIKE ONE OF US

WAS COURT ORDEREDTO HANG WITH THE OTHER.

- [sighs]

I DON'T KNOW.

- COME ON, STUART.

TOMMY DUNBAR'S ONE OF THE TOP

MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTERSIN THE WORLD.

SIGNING HIM WOULD BEA REAL GAME CHANGER.

- I THINK I KNOW WHATTHE PROBLEM IS.

WE'RE IN THE PRESENCE OFA STRIP CLUB VIRGIN.

- NO, NO, NO.NOT EVEN CLOSE.

MY BACHELOR PARTY WAS THAT ONE,

AND IT GOT SO WILD,

THAT MY EX, LORNA,HAD TO DRIVE ME HOME.

- DUDE, YOUR WIFE WASAT YOUR BACHELOR PARTY?

- WELL, IT WAS ONLY FAIR.

I MEAN, SHE ORGANIZEDTHE WHOLE THING, SO...

OH, MY GOD!

I GOT TO GET MY ASSTO A TITTY BAR.

- ♪ WE LOST OUR HOMES,WE LOST OUR WIVES ♪

♪ THREE STRANGERS,WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? ♪

♪ OUR DIVORCE LAWYER SAID

♪ SHE'LL PUT A ROOFOVER OUR HEAD ♪

♪ YEAH,SHE CAME TO OUR RESCUE ♪

♪ SHE'S WHERE WE GOWHEN OUR HEARTS ARE BROKEN ♪

♪ WHERE WE TURNWHEN WE FINALLY LEARN ♪

♪ WE LOST THE BATTLEOF THE SEXES ♪

♪ JUST CALL US THE EXES

[knocking on door]

- OH.- HI, HI.

- HI, EDEN.WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.

- YOU WANT ANOTHERNICE SURPRISE?

CHECK THESE OUT.

- WOW.

IF I'M EVER INA CAR ACCIDENT,

I WANT YOU ON MY LAP.

- THEY'RE AMAZING,AREN'T THEY?

IF I'D KNOWN THEY WEREGOING TO BALLOON UP LIKE THIS,

I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN PREGNANT,

DONE THIS SURROGATE THINGYEARS AGO.

TRY TO LOOK AWAY.I DARE YOU.

- ODDLY, I CANNOT.

- THEY LITERALLY STOP MENIN THEIR TRACKS.

THESE BABIES ARELIKE STUN GUNS.

POW, POW, POW!

- WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEETHE MATERNAL INSTINCTS

HAVE FINALLY KICKED IN.

- ANYWAY,I WAS AT THE BRA STORE,

LIKE I AM EVERY DAY, BECAUSETHEY DON'T STOP GROWING,

AND I FOUND SOMETHING THAT'SGOING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

- A BRA? THAT'S IT?YOU GOT ME A BRA?

- IT'S NOT JUST ANY BRA.

THIS LITTLE MIRACLE OF SCIENCEUSES THE SAME LIFT TECHNOLOGY

THAT WAS ORIGINALLY DEVELOPEDTO TRANSPORT WHALES.

AND WITH IT, YOU TOO CAN HAVEA PAIR OF MAN MAGNETS.

- SWEETIE,I HAVE A MAN MAGNET.

IT'S CALLED MY BRAIN.

- THAT'S FUNNY.ISN'T IT, GUYS?

OH, RIGHT.THERE ARE NONE HERE.

COME ON, HOLLY.STOP OVER-THINKING EVERYTHING.

FOR ONCE,LEAVE YOUR BRAIN AT HOME.

PUT IT ON, PUSH 'EM UP,AND LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN!

- OH, ALL RIGHT.GIVE ME THAT THING.

MAYBE IT IS TIME TO LET THESESHUT-INS OUT.

I MEAN,EVEN PRISONERS GET YARD TIME.

[rock music]

- UH, AHEM.

ISN'T THIS A LITTLE CLOSETO THE STAGE?

I SAT FRONT ROW FOR WICKED.IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

- I SEE THE LITTLE LECTUREIN THE CAB DIDN'T TAKE.

- HAVE SOME RESPECT.THERE'S A SHOW ON.

SHAKE IT!

BOUNCE IT!

NOW BACK IT UP.

[applause]

- ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK.

WHEN TOMMY GETS HERE,

I'M GOING TO SEND OVERSOME CHAMPAGNE.

HE'LL PROBABLY CALL ME OVER.

THAT'S WHEN I GO INFOR THE KILL.

NOW THIS ISTHE MOST IMPORTANT PART,

AND I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

YOU TWO...

STAY HERE.

- RELAX, PHIL.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING

TO EMBARRASS YOU.

EXCUSE ME, MISS.

DOES THE GIFT SHOPSELL KEY CHAINS?

- THREE BEERS PLEASE.

- YOU KNOW,SHE'S REALLY VERY TALENTED.

- UH-HUH.

- THOSE ARESOME VERY DIFFICULT MOVES.

- WHY DON'T YOU SHOW HERYOUR APPRECIATION?

- OF COURSE.

EXCUSE ME, MISS.

MISS?

THAT WAS LOVELY.THANK YOU.

- OH, STUART.

LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE.

WATCH AND LEARN, BABY.

WATCH AND LEARN.

ALL RIGHT, LADY,

I HOPE YOU GOT AN UMBRELLA.

'CAUSE DADDY GONNA MAKE IT RAIN!

[laughs]

- AND KEEP THAT UMBRELLA OUT,

'CAUSE IT'S TURNING INTOA DOWNPOUR.

[coins clattering]

- YOU GUYS HAPPY?

YOU TOTALLY COVERED UP MY $20.

EXCUSE ME.

MISS.

- HE'S HERE.

TOMMY'S HERE.

EVERYBODY BE COOL.

[landing blow]

- OKAY, JUST STAND THEREFOR A SECOND

AND LET THE POWER OF THE BREASTSFILL THE ROOM.

- OH, MY GOD, IT'S WORKING.

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?WE BUY SOME DRINKS?

- BUY?

OH, MY GOD,THAT IS SO "B" CUP!

ALL RIGHT,WE'VE GOT TOO MUCH FIREPOWER

IN ONE AREA.

YOU TAKE THE BAR.

NOW JUST SMILE, LOOK PRETTY,

AND LET THE GIRLS DO THE WORK.

- ALL RIGHT, LADIES.

IT'S GO TIME.

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

HI.

I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.

HOW ARE YOU?

- EXCUSE ME.- OH.

- WOULD YOU--WOULD YOU CARE TO SIT DOWN?

- OH, THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- WELL, YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME.

- IT'S REALLY CROWDED HERETONIGHT, HUH?

- YEAH.

USUALLY I STOP BY AFTERMY LATE CLASS.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM FINDING A SEATAT THE BAR.

BY THE WAY,I'M--I'M EDWARD.

- I'M HOLLY.- HI.

- SO YOU'RE A TEACHER?

- YES, I TEACH ENGLISH LIT

AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY.

WOW.

EVERY TIME I SAY IT,IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M BRAGGING.

- WELL, I WENT TOCOLUMBIA LAW SCHOOL,

AND I AM BRAGGING.

- YOU'RE FUNNY.

- HMM, OKAY,SO HERE'S A QUESTION

I BET NO ONE EVER ASKS YOU.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR?

- OH, I GOT TO SAY DICKENS.

- HMM.

- I LOVE THE WAYHE BECAME AN ADVOCATE

FOR THE POOR AND DISPOSSESSED.

- YES, YES,YOU JUST DON'T SEE

THAT KIND OF COMPASSIONNOWADAYS.

- HEY, BABY.CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

- TAKE A WALK INTO TRAFFIC.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.EASY NOW.

LET'S GET YOU TO THE COUCH.- HEY, AH, AH.

I'M FINE.TOTALLY FINE.

- WHOA!

BUDDY, EASY THERE.- [clears throat]

- THE E.R. DOCTOR SAIDYOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY.

YOU JUST HAVEA MILD CONCUSSION.

- ALL RIGHT.

WHEN ARE WE GOINGTO THE STRIP CLUB?

- WE ALREADY WENT.

BUT WE HAD TO LEAVE'CAUSE SOMEONE

TOOK A STRIPPER SHOETO THE HEAD.

- WAY TO GO, HASKELL.

- I TOLD YOUWE SHOULD'VE STASHED HIM

IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOMAND FINISH WATCHING THE SHOW.

WE MISSED THE NUDE SALUTETO OUR TROOPS.

- OKAY, STUART NEEDS A NAPPY.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,NO, NO, NO.

NO NAPPY, NO NAPPY.

THE DOCTOR SAYSYOU HAVE TO STAY UP

FOR 24 HOURS JUST TO BE SAFE.

- WE SHOULD WATCH HIM IN SHIFTS.

- THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WELL, LOOK,I GOT TO TRACK DOWN TOMMY

BEFORE ANOTHER AGENT GETSHIS HOOKS IN HIM.

SO HOW ABOUT YOU TAKETHE FIRST SHIFT,

I'LL TAKE THE SECOND?

- I'LL TAKE ONE TOO.

I DON'T MIND WATCHING STUART.

- I DON'T CAREHOW YOUR NIGHT WENT.

MINE WAS BETTER.

I MET THIS GREAT GUY.

HE'S AN ENGLISH PROFESSORAT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY.

[happily sighs]

WE JUST HAD SUCHA DEEP CONNECTION

THAT I ACTUALLY SAWAN ENTIRE LIFE WITH HIM.

I ENVISIONEDLAZY SUNDAY MORNINGS

READING THE TIMES' BOOK REVIEW,

AND TAKING OUR TWIN LABSFOR A WALK,

ZELDA AND F SCOTT,MAYBE.

WHAT?

- HAVE THOSE BEEN LIVING ACROSSTHE HALL

ALL THIS TIME?

- I'M PHIL.THIS IS HASKELL.

WE YOUR NEIGHBORS.

- STOP TALKING TO MY BREASTS.

IT'S JUST A STUPID BRAEDEN GOT ME.

YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY MOMENT.

I'VE REALLY METSOMEONE SPECIAL.

- WELL,IF YOU WERE SERVING THOSE UP,

I BET YOU DID.

- OH. NO, NO.

EDWARD'S NOT LIKE THAT.

HE'S WITTY AND ERUDITE.

[giggles]

HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME FOR DINNERTOMORROW NIGHT

BECAUSE HE ENJOYED MY COMPANY.

HE NEVER ONCE CHECKED OUTMY BOOBS.

- NO, YOU NEVER ONCE CAUGHT HIMCHECKING OUT YOUR BOOBS.

- EXACTLY.

THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF EVOLUTION

HAVE PERFECTED MEN'S EYES

TO THE POINT THATTHEY CAN PULL OFF

THE NO-LOOK LOOK.

I AM LOOKING AT YOUR BREASTSRIGHT NOW.

- SO WAIT, YOU GUYS THINKTHAT THE ONLY REASON

EDWARD'S INTERESTED IN MEIS 'CAUSE OF MY CLEAVAGE?

TELL THEM THEY'RE WRONG,STUART.

TELL THEM THATTHERE ARE MEN OUT THERE

WITH A MOREREFINED SENSIBILITY.

- GREAT SHOW, BABY.THERE YOU GO.

[knock on door]

- HI-HI!

JUST CAME BY FOR AN OUTFIT CHECK

BEFORE YOUR DATE WITH EDWARD.

SO WHEN ARE YOU GETTING DRESSED?

- I-I AM DRESSED.

- OH, NO, NO, NO.

WHERE ARE THE BOOBSI GOT YOU?

- IN MY BEDROOM.

LOOK, I NEED TO KNOW THAT EDWARDLIKES ME FOR ME,

NOT JUST 'CAUSE I SLAPPED ONA PAIR OF DOUBLE "D"s.

- YOU JUST WANT TO DIE ALONE,DON'T YOU?

WELL, I AM NOT GONNALET YOU.

- FORGET IT, EDEN.I'M NOT WEARING THAT BRA.

- YOU ARE.

YOU HOOKED HIM WITHTHOSE THINGS.

YOU CAN'T JUST TAKEN THEM AWAYALL AT ONCE.

YOU NEED TO REDUCE YOUR CUP SIZEGRADUALLY.

OTHERWISE,HE'LL GO INTO BOOB SHOCK.

- ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT TO ME.

- THAT A GIRL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M GOING TO ENDTHIS INSANE DISCUSSION.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVEI LET YOU

TALK ME INTO ITIN THE FIRST PLACE.

- YOU LITERALLY JUST THREWYOUR FUTURE OUT THE WINDOW.

BUT YOU'LL BE FINE.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO BETHE CRAZY OLD LADY

WHO SCARES KIDS AT HALLOWEEN.

- WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?

[telephone rings]

HELLO.

YEAH, HI, EDWARD.

YEAH, THAT'S--THAT'S THE RIGHT ADDRESS.

OKAY.I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE.

BYE.

MY GOD,WHAT HAVE I DONE?

- MM.

[air horn honks]- AH!

I'M UP.

[groans]I'M UP.

- A FEW MORE HOURS,YOU CAN FINALLY GO TO SLEEP.

OOH.

TIME FOR YOUR PAINKILLERS.

- OH, HASKELL!I NEED YOUR HELP.

- AH, SORRY, HOLLY,I CAN'T.

IT'S MY TURN TO WATCH STUART,

AND I CAN'T LEAVE HIS SIDE.

- I NEED YOUR HELPTO FIND MY BRA.

- PHIL!I'M GOING OUT!

OH, WHICH BRA IS IT?

PINK LACEY WITH THE FRONT HOOKSOR OLD BLACKY?

- WOW.

YOU--YOU NICKNAME MY BRAS?

- WELL, JUST THOSE TWOAND TWIN PEAKS.

- I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY.

EDWARD'S ON HIS WAY OVER,

AND I STUPIDLY THREW MY BRAOUT THE WINDOW.

- I'M ON IT.

AND HOLLY?

THANK YOU.

- HOW YOU FEELING, STUART?

- WHERE'D YOUR BOOBIES GO?

- THE BOOBY MONSTER TOOK THEM.

[door closes]

- ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, TOMMY, YES.

YEAH, I'LL MEET YOU AT THAT BARIN TEN MINUTES.

PERFECT.BYE.

HEY, STUART.- HMM?

- THAT FIGHTERI'VE BEEN TRYING TO SIGN

FINALLY AGREED TO MEET ME.

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN, BABY!

- YEAH.

- IT'S TIME FOR YOUR PILLS.WHERE'S HASKELL?

- A BRA FLEW OUT THE WINDOW,AND HASKELL WENT OUT TO GET IT.

- HOW HARD DIDTHAT WOMAN KICK YOU?

- [groans]

- NO.STUART, STUART, STUART, STUART.

WOW, YOU'RE IN NO CONDITIONTO BE HERE BY YOURSELF.

BUT I CAN'T TAKE YOU OUTLIKE THIS.

YOU MIGHT FALLAND CRACK YOUR HEAD OPEN.

- HMM.

- ONLY GOT ONE CHOICE.

PERFECT, NOW YOU'RE GOOD.LET'S GO.

- HANG ON, HANG ON, HANG ON.

BEFORE WE GO,

I JUST HAVE TO CALL MY DAD

AND TELL HIM I MADE THE TEAM.

[knocking on door]

- OH, GREAT, HASKELL.

HUH? OH.

HI, EDWARD.COME ON IN.

- HEY, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU,HOLLY.

SO I, UH,I BROUGHT YOU A PRESENT

SINCE WE WERE TALKINGABOUT DICKENS.

YEAH, ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

- THANK YOU.- YEAH.

- THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

- SHALL WE GET GOING?

THEY'RE HOLDING A TABLE FOR USOVER AT PETE'S TAVERN.

- OH, FANTASTIC.I JUST--

I CAN'T JUST YET.

I'M WAITING FOR A DELIVERYFROM MY OFFICE.

- ARE YOU OKAY?- HUH?

- YOU--YOU SEEM DIFFERENT.- DIFFERENT?

- A LITTLE TENSE?

KIND OF THE WAYYOU'RE HOLDING YOUR BODY?

- I COULDN'T BE MORE RELAXED.OH, I--I'M LOOSE.

LOOSE AS A GOOSE.LOOSEY-GOOSEY.

[knocking on door]THANK GOD.

THERE IT IS.I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

- OKAY,MAY I USE YOUR RESTROOM?

- YEAH, YEAH.DOWN THE HALL TO THE RIGHT.

- LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND.

- HASKELL, YOU'RE MY HERO!

- I HAD TO WRESTLE IT AWAY FROMA BURLY DRAG QUEEN.

I TOOK ONE LOOK IN HIS EYES,AND HE KNEW

I WANTED IT MORE.

- GO AWAY. BYE-BYE.- YOU--

- THANKS.

- [humming]

- HASKELL...

THEY'RE LOPSIDED!

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

LOOK, THE UNDERWIRE'S ALL BENT.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME BEND IT BACK.

RIGHT HERE.- [grunting]

IT WON'T BUDGE.- JUST KEEP--KEEP BENDING IT.

JUST DO IT.

[gasps]

- HOLLY?

- YOU MUST BE EDWARD.

I'VE HEARD GOOD THINGS.

- HERE'S THE REAL ME.

- THE REAL YOU IS NICE.

VERY NICE.

- THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING,EDWARD.

I JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN WORNTHAT THING

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

GOD, WE'RE ALL SO CAUGHT UP

IN PHYSICAL APPEARANCES,YOU KNOW.

IT'S SO SUPERFICIAL WHEN IT'SWHAT'S INSIDE THAT MATTERS.

- I COULDN'T AGREEWITH YOU MORE.

- YEAH.

- HEY, WE PUT ON THIS FACADE,

PRETENDING TO BE SOMETHINGWE'RE NOT.

- MM-HMM.

- HOLLY, YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME.

THIS ENDS NOW.

- WELL, LOOK AT YOU DOWN THERE.

- IT'S--IT'S SO FREEING.

- YEAH.

- SPEAKING OF WHICH.

- [slurping]

AH. MY DRINK IS FIZZY.

AH, IT TICKLES.

- GREAT. TOMMY'S HERE.- OH.

- ALL RIGHT, JUST SIT DOWN HERE,AND BE COOL.

ALL RIGHT, WISH ME LUCK.

- OKAY, LUCK, LUCK, LUCKY.

- HEY, TOMMY.

PHIL CHASE.

NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, MAN.

- UH-HUH.

- CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK?

- GOT ONE.

SO LET'S HEAR IT.GO.

- RIGHT, RIGHT. ABSOLUTELY.YOU'RE A BUSY MAN.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

I WANT TO EXPAND YOUR BRANDOUTSIDE THE RING.

I'M TALKING ENDORSEMENTS,VIDEO GAMES, MOVIES,

BECAUSE THIS IS A FACE THATSHOULD BE ON THE SCREEN.

- YEAH, YOU'RE MOVING KINDOF FAST.

YOU'RE WORKING ME.I DON'T LIKE THAT.

- WELL, I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSEYOU SAID GET TO IT.

- SO NOW YOU'RE ARGUING WITH ME?

- NO, NO. NO.

TOMMY, I'D NEVER DO THAT, MAN.

LOOK, I FEEL LIKE WE'VE GOTTENOFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.

THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO ISMAKE YOU ANGRY.

- [drunkenly]TOMMY.

- OH, GOD, NO.

- SO...

SO, PHIL...

THIS IS TOMMY, HUH?

TOMMY, THE TOUGH GUY?

TOMMY, TOMMY, TOMMY.

- YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

- OH, YEAH,WE'RE--WE'RE BESTIES, BIATCH.

- THIS--THIS IS STUART.I'M TAKING CARE OF HIM.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

- OH, OH.YOUR HEAD IS FUZZY.

IT'S GOOD.THIS IS NICE.

HE'S FUZZY LIKE A BUNNY,LIKE A BUNNY RABBIT.

- OH, OH, OH, STUART.NO.

I AM SO SORRY, MAN.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZETO ME.

I HAVE A COUSIN WITH SPECIALNEEDS JUST LIKE STUART HERE.

- YOU--YOU THINK--

RIGHT, RIGHT,JUST LIKE STUART HERE.

- I'M A DENTIST.

- SURE, YOU ARE, BUDDY.

LAST WEEK, HE THOUGHTHE WAS AN ASTRONAUT.

[laughs]

- SO WHAT BROUGHT STUARTINTO YOUR LIFE?

- FATE.YEAH, HE NEEDED A PLACE TO STAY.

I TOOK HIM IN.

I GAVE HIM A HOUSE.HE GAVE ME A HOME.

- YOU KNOW,I RESPECT THAT, MAN.

IN FACT, I'VE BEEN WANTING TOSET UP A FOUNDATION,

MAYBE START A SUMMER CAMPFOR PEOPLE

LIKE MY COUSIN AND STUART.

- MMM, MMM.

- LOOK HERE.LOOK HERE, MAN.

YOU SIGN WITH ME,WE'LL DO THAT AND MORE.

- A LOT OF SLICK AGENTSOUT THERE.

BUT YOU GOT HEART.LET'S DO THIS.

- YOU GOT IT, TOMMY.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, STUART.

- YOU TOO, TOMMY.MWAH.

- YOU KEEP REACHING FORTHE STARS, LITTLE BUDDY.

- STUART, YOU DRUGGED UPSON OF A BITCH,

YOU DID IT.

[watch beeping]

OH, LOOK AT THAT.

YOUR 24 HOURS ARE UP.

- OH.- YOU CAN SLEEP NOW.

- OKAY, NIGHT-NIGHT.

- NIGHT, NIGHT, BUDDY.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ ACME

- [whistles]

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